I like the new me. I told a fellow good friend. I am done with what I'm done with, and I let you know I'm done.
That was when I realized, I have changed, and I like it.
I am meaner, I am freer, I am more confident, I am changed.
Today for my 2nd baby class, I experienced the change, right before my eyes. Before the class my supervisor told me about some parent's feedback, which I was stiff and soft. I took it as a constructive feedback and tried to remain calm and try to sound louder. When the class started I didn't do mini self-talks, instead, I sang with so much confidence and played with the children so much better than I expected. After that class I evaluated and realized, I AM a changed person.
I'm glad. That the horrible experience has changed me, made me grow up so much. =)
Showing posts with label Nae Gah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nae Gah. Show all posts
Life lately
Life's a mess lately. happy times with the twins, discipline time with them, rushing in and out of work, handling administrative tasks on top of teaching. It's been hectic, but not so good.
Some days I sit down with the babies thinking it's the most wonderful job on earth and I want to do that for a long long time.
Some days I watch over the twins and think they're wonderful creatures but it's getting boring when they do the same thing over and over again.
These days I come to work feeling lethargic and meaningless, as if I'm just floating through the day teaching and taking calls and eating and talking to the children as if my soul isn't there. I hate myself for not loving and enjoying what I'm doing. Where has the love and passion and joy gone to ...
The boss is manipulating, it's obvious, and once again he's making us feel like fools who can't think. It sucks to work under such atmosphere. The colleagues are great, but it's not helping now. The children are behaving most of the time which helps a lot, but every time they misbehave I feel like snapping right away. I'm becoming such a horrible person.
I'm happy, I'm not happy. I'm not sad either. It's confusing...
Some days I sit down with the babies thinking it's the most wonderful job on earth and I want to do that for a long long time.
Some days I watch over the twins and think they're wonderful creatures but it's getting boring when they do the same thing over and over again.
These days I come to work feeling lethargic and meaningless, as if I'm just floating through the day teaching and taking calls and eating and talking to the children as if my soul isn't there. I hate myself for not loving and enjoying what I'm doing. Where has the love and passion and joy gone to ...
The boss is manipulating, it's obvious, and once again he's making us feel like fools who can't think. It sucks to work under such atmosphere. The colleagues are great, but it's not helping now. The children are behaving most of the time which helps a lot, but every time they misbehave I feel like snapping right away. I'm becoming such a horrible person.
I'm happy, I'm not happy. I'm not sad either. It's confusing...
Report
Was typing my biweekly report and realized how much I have done with my kids over the 2 weeks. Classes haven't been more fun and packed, the children are enjoying it so am I.
As today's the "end" of the week, I dare say the past 2 weeks have been crazy.
Work: Kids crying, new tasks to take over as the boss delegates them from the principal who is on leave (thank goodness she'll be back next week!), class materials, handling parents and enquiries, boss meetings and staff meetings, overlooking the staff and myself. I'm slacking a little in my assisting job, but I figured I really need the break and I took it.
On top of all the work craze, I've been travelling to and fro home for the past 2 weeks every single day because I have guests at home. The traveling (2 hours a day) is really exhausting, but I always go home happy to see the twins whining for milk/ sleep. LOL. I'm the self-appointed sleep nanny as I help put them to sleep at night. So far so good, but I'm gonna quit the weekdays now. Traveling and babysitting all day is crazy. I know I'm gonna miss the twins so much when I'm here at night.... but nyeh. We'll see.
I think I have done so many things for the past 2 weeks, I wish I have more time, and the way home would be less jammed up. But such is life. ....
As today's the "end" of the week, I dare say the past 2 weeks have been crazy.
Work: Kids crying, new tasks to take over as the boss delegates them from the principal who is on leave (thank goodness she'll be back next week!), class materials, handling parents and enquiries, boss meetings and staff meetings, overlooking the staff and myself. I'm slacking a little in my assisting job, but I figured I really need the break and I took it.
On top of all the work craze, I've been travelling to and fro home for the past 2 weeks every single day because I have guests at home. The traveling (2 hours a day) is really exhausting, but I always go home happy to see the twins whining for milk/ sleep. LOL. I'm the self-appointed sleep nanny as I help put them to sleep at night. So far so good, but I'm gonna quit the weekdays now. Traveling and babysitting all day is crazy. I know I'm gonna miss the twins so much when I'm here at night.... but nyeh. We'll see.
I think I have done so many things for the past 2 weeks, I wish I have more time, and the way home would be less jammed up. But such is life. ....
Tonsillitis
It's back. March then July. Doctor said it's so fast, if it's 5~ 6 times a year I'll need to remove the tonsils. I calculated, of it comes every 4 monthly, it'll be 3~ 4 times in a year, which won't make the cut for surgery. So I'm safe for now. Haha
Today has been ok, no obvious fever and the tonsils were not that painful. Of course I took the pills on time and when the next dosage is almost time I'd feel tremors and pain but it's bearable and I could work and sing and run and attend meetings with a clear mind even though I was exhausted.
We shall see tomorrow. Doc said it won't go away so soon but if the fever doesn't go away by tomorrow I'd need to go check up and maybe get injection. *cross fingers and drink loads of water*
Today after meals I keep feeling like throwing up. It was almost 9 pm when I realized the sensation from the throat was actually from my swelling tonsils. Yuck
Today has been ok, no obvious fever and the tonsils were not that painful. Of course I took the pills on time and when the next dosage is almost time I'd feel tremors and pain but it's bearable and I could work and sing and run and attend meetings with a clear mind even though I was exhausted.
We shall see tomorrow. Doc said it won't go away so soon but if the fever doesn't go away by tomorrow I'd need to go check up and maybe get injection. *cross fingers and drink loads of water*
Today after meals I keep feeling like throwing up. It was almost 9 pm when I realized the sensation from the throat was actually from my swelling tonsils. Yuck
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Tonsils
Tonsils are back in pain. I'm suspecting the sinus, earache, headache and today's growing tonsil aches are related to one another. *shrug* Shall go check it out if it worsens tonight... *sigh* I was just out of the couch from fever last week. It's barely been 2 weeks. Grr. But I think if it's an ear thing I'd have to consult the ENT... The last time I almost went the pain went away. Stupid.
Seizure
It was a fine sunny afternoon, when a kid was seen shivering in his sleep.
The parent was contacted and would come in a while, which turned out to be slightly longer than awhile. The kid's fever shot up so high, the teachers' sponging couldn't help. He started throwing up and had a seizure.
Children were watching, the teachers tried their best to help. None of us knew what exactly to do, except to hold him and call the parent again. One teacher started praying, out loud, in tongue (Christian thing), and it shook me to the core.
I knew it is normal for children to experience seizure, I knew he would be fine, but the prayers, it shocked me so much I was emotionally unstable to lead the children to class. Tears were shaking out and I was trembling with fear when my 3 year olds sang their song gleefully oblivious of what was happening... I told myself it's all going to be fine, some cry some pray when they panic, it's normal. And a minute later I calmed down and managed class like how a teacher should be *thank goodness*
The parent was contacted and would come in a while, which turned out to be slightly longer than awhile. The kid's fever shot up so high, the teachers' sponging couldn't help. He started throwing up and had a seizure.
Children were watching, the teachers tried their best to help. None of us knew what exactly to do, except to hold him and call the parent again. One teacher started praying, out loud, in tongue (Christian thing), and it shook me to the core.
I knew it is normal for children to experience seizure, I knew he would be fine, but the prayers, it shocked me so much I was emotionally unstable to lead the children to class. Tears were shaking out and I was trembling with fear when my 3 year olds sang their song gleefully oblivious of what was happening... I told myself it's all going to be fine, some cry some pray when they panic, it's normal. And a minute later I calmed down and managed class like how a teacher should be *thank goodness*
-----
The boy's fine. Had dust allergy which led to middle ear infection that's why the fever shot up so high, and because we couldn't administer medication and the parent was running late, it couldn't be helped. But still it was a lesson for everyone. Especially learning from the doctor that we shouldn't put anything in the victim's mouth because s/he will not bite the tongue to death, instead stuffing spoon/cloth/toys/etc will suffocate.
-----
At the end of the day, I recollected what happened, and poked into the question of why I was so shaken by the prayer. After some thought I realized that in my culture, people pray when people pass away or are passing away. Unlike many Buddhist or Christians or whatever religious people's traditions, I don't pray. Except for that "Po pi peng an peng an gao tak chek" when I go to temples or on chengbeng, which I always remind myself to say it as sincere as I can without believing it will come true... I'm not a praying person. And the last time I prayed was when grandpa died, I prayed and chanted from my heart.
So on that day, when a fellow colleague panicked and started praying, because it's a religious thing for that colleague, who prays after every single thing I know, my brain connected the scene to "death" without my conscious effort and it linked to "loss" and "fear" and "sadness" all so quickly (OK, you kinda have to picture brain neurotransmitters and schemas connected to each other to understand this explanation fully)...
Feet & Shoes
I used to wear sandals. Then the ex-ex pair was a casual material shoe. Then I started to wear slippers to work. It was the Japanese slippers, with the pinching thing between the toes. I've never worn these because they're never comfortable to my toes, until I found Fipper. It was so comfy.
Until I stretched it out while hiking to the camp site.
So it's so painful to the toes now, even when I drive without walking.
I reverted back to my old old sandals I bought about 6 years ago. It's too loose for comfort, but for now, it shall buy me a little time while I go hunt for a comfy shoes instead of letting my foot crack into half wearing that worn out Jap slippers.
So I went around hunting. For sandals. Hush Puppies, Scholl, Adidas, Nike, this and that, you name it; all expensive shoes and inexpensive shoes. Half of them has that toe-pinching thing, which goes straight out of the picture. The other half either are too manly (which faces mummy & sister objection), or too auntie. Tell me about it mate. I need some boyish cool not too girly comfortable walking shoes.
I found one the other day, it wasn't the most handsome pair, but it was so fitting tight and comfortable plus really cheap (RM65) but it has super long head. OMG. It was like an extra pocket/ forklift in front of my toes just in case I need to store/lift something. And I don't have short toes ok, made me wonder who buys that model of shoes. Maybe Ronald McDonald would.
Then I saw one from Hush Puppies, it looked ok and was comfy, but my leg (the part near the ankle) was too thin so it was really loose at that side OMG don't give up.
Today I braved myself to walk into Clarks and saw one really handsome piece, it was in the nicest shade of black. The price startled me (RM300!!) but I told myself to give it a try too. It was comfy, but the stupid ankle part was too loose. Again!!! I adjusted the 3 straps (1 front and 2 back) and it was still too loose. Oh my god what is this, even if it's RM10 also I can't get it because my freaking ankle is so small! OMG. What kind of curse is this... First sensitive emotional toe-in-between (whatever you call that) and now too-skinny-ankle-tops?
I need new feet.
我可能不会爱你
骄傲又自卑，有原则却常常被卡在原则里的 程又青
害怕失去，默默地付出的 李大仁
还有那些社会的眼光和压力。 家人、同学、后辈……
虽然是部关于爱情的电视剧，但它反映着太真实的现实。
女主角努力成功、独立与自信带来保守思想社会的偏见和歧视。她是开心的，若是没有社会施与的无形压力。要是她不在意就有多好，但这是collectivist 社会。有一幕，她参加男友的庆功宴，被男友的秘书问到工作会不会累。她说：“在这个社会找自己的位置，大家都很累。” 却换来那秘书的一句：“所以才要找个可以办事的男朋友。”
男主角努力配合，害怕前进，因为他害怕失去。他努力做个好人，人人都喜欢他，可是好人往往吃亏。因着“拥有就是失去的开始”， 若没有拥有就不会失去。因为不想开始失去，默默地付出带来默默的幸福，也带来许多暗地里折磨自己的时候。
我看到小小的我；想要不靠任何人地努力和独立，坚信自己的原则却因别人的眼光而感到自卑与不确定。我看到小小的我；努力想要当个好人，却换来许多挣扎和犹疑。
也许我没有方头狮那么有影响力，不过我了解他的挣扎，喜欢自己又想融入大家的那一份挣扎。
在戏里，男主角形容女主角为方头狮。他说女主角就像方头狮：方头狮的颈圈是方的，其他狮子都是圆的。而正是“与众不同”的这件事，常常让它卡住，卡在自己的原则里、卡在‘该不该妥协’的挣扎里、卡在"会不会全世界都对了，只有我的坚持是错了"的迷思里……
在这一方面我有像方头狮。若是没看到这一幕，我想我也慢慢地把头浸入水里想变成与大家一样的圆头狮子了吧？
Addicted to Chocolate
I've always loved chocolates. But lately I'm addicted. Last month I bought a big bar of Cadbury milk chocolate and finished it in 2 days. I kept nibbling on it uncontrollably. Then I told myself I wouldn't buy anymore. There are lots of other chocolates in my house fridge, but they are ferero roche, and others with flavors or nuts or stuff, which I don't favorite. So they just stood there quietly waiting, until I really can't take it anymore I'd go take a bite or two.
Yesterday I went to the mall, and bought one big bar. I told myself that the limit is 4 cubes per day max, no negotiation. Hopefully the bar lasts 2 weeks.
I've read that chocolate is happy food, it's always been my excuse to binge eat. =P Lately I learned that it has anti-oxidants in it, which made me happier for another better reason to eat more.
Then I read that it's a potential cough-preventor? That's why I didn't get sick when the entire school staff is sick last month? Wow!
Yesterday I went to the mall, and bought one big bar. I told myself that the limit is 4 cubes per day max, no negotiation. Hopefully the bar lasts 2 weeks.
I've read that chocolate is happy food, it's always been my excuse to binge eat. =P Lately I learned that it has anti-oxidants in it, which made me happier for another better reason to eat more.
Then I read that it's a potential cough-preventor? That's why I didn't get sick when the entire school staff is sick last month? Wow!
of sitcoms, comics and funny stuff
I'm watching The Big Bang Theory, a very intelligently done sitcom. And I'm sure "very intelligently done" is an understatement. =)
Anyways. One thing that I have noticed is that I don't laugh out loud to this. And as happened many years ago my aunt passed me a hilarious Lat comic (Malaysian comic) and expected me to LOL, and was shocked that I flipped through every page calmly. It was funny, but I just laughed in my head.
I understand that my sense of humour is 'abnormal', lay-men-ly speaking, cuz you can't really define 'normal'... However I do laugh at quirky and out-of-the-box jokes or statements, most recently from the drama "Skip.Beat". I enjoy comedies and all.
Ok, is it normal to not have LOL moments? Many things that people find hilarious are just normal to me. And many things that I find funny, people don't. *shrug* I think it's normal.
Anyways. One thing that I have noticed is that I don't laugh out loud to this. And as happened many years ago my aunt passed me a hilarious Lat comic (Malaysian comic) and expected me to LOL, and was shocked that I flipped through every page calmly. It was funny, but I just laughed in my head.
I understand that my sense of humour is 'abnormal', lay-men-ly speaking, cuz you can't really define 'normal'... However I do laugh at quirky and out-of-the-box jokes or statements, most recently from the drama "Skip.Beat". I enjoy comedies and all.
Ok, is it normal to not have LOL moments? Many things that people find hilarious are just normal to me. And many things that I find funny, people don't. *shrug* I think it's normal.
Eason
There's this new boy in school. 2 plus, doesn't speak much.
In school he's the quietest boy, very obedient and understanding and nice.
But mum said ever since he started school he's gone crazy at home. Tantrums, crazy play, testing limits, refusing to corporate, etc.
I told the mum that he's been suppressing too much in school, and has to release it when he gets home.
I think it's happening to me too. I'm so good in school. I work hard, I be nice, I help out. When I get home, I just wanna be the boss. Too bad for mum, who wished I can help her do gardening, which I never liked in the first place.
In school he's the quietest boy, very obedient and understanding and nice.
But mum said ever since he started school he's gone crazy at home. Tantrums, crazy play, testing limits, refusing to corporate, etc.
I told the mum that he's been suppressing too much in school, and has to release it when he gets home.
I think it's happening to me too. I'm so good in school. I work hard, I be nice, I help out. When I get home, I just wanna be the boss. Too bad for mum, who wished I can help her do gardening, which I never liked in the first place.
면점 뭇하는 나를
그저께 어제도 오늘도
항상 잘했으면 열심히 했었으면 이제는 한국에 면점하고 있을수 있어도 몰라.
나 도데채 뭔가 잘 뭇했니?
내 삶이 그렇게 쉬었구만... 어렸을 때부터 지금까지 원하는 것들 다 받을 수 있고 할 수 있고. 이 번엔 통과 못하는게 너무 마음 아프게 신기했어 속상해. 그치.. 나 이런 상황 익숙하게 돼야지.
항상 잘했으면 열심히 했었으면 이제는 한국에 면점하고 있을수 있어도 몰라.
나 도데채 뭔가 잘 뭇했니?
-----
내 삶이 그렇게 쉬었구만... 어렸을 때부터 지금까지 원하는 것들 다 받을 수 있고 할 수 있고. 이 번엔 통과 못하는게 너무 마음 아프게 신기했어 속상해. 그치.. 나 이런 상황 익숙하게 돼야지.
So. I guess the news is out. Kinda.
It's been a semi-secret. I never told anyone, except 2 very close friends, and my family.
But I guess when you don't tell people not to tell, they just tell.
So guess what. Almost everyone knows now.
Now that it's out. I'm relieved and more stressed about it.
Here it goes. I'm applying for a masters degree in Korea. Not so much because I want to study, blergh, but I just want to get out of here and practise my lousy-fying Korean.
The one friend who is a colleague broke it out in front of the other colleagues.
The family who gotten to know posted it on my FB wall for more people to know.
I'm not trying to hide, but it's all so uncertain now. At least till tomorrow morning, I won't know if I have passed the preliminary knock-out round to make it pass the 2nd round interview. I'm planning this and that; if the announcement comes out tomorrow and my name is not there, it will be a huge disappointment for me. And I don't need all the looks and comforting talks from the unrelated people.
For another time, I want to do something, and I want to do it my way. Not with anyone butting into it giving their honest wise concerned advise and clever ideas. Wish you'd all just butt out. You can come visit when I am there, but for now, just freaggin back off.
But I guess when you don't tell people not to tell, they just tell.
So guess what. Almost everyone knows now.
Now that it's out. I'm relieved and more stressed about it.
Here it goes. I'm applying for a masters degree in Korea. Not so much because I want to study, blergh, but I just want to get out of here and practise my lousy-fying Korean.
The one friend who is a colleague broke it out in front of the other colleagues.
The family who gotten to know posted it on my FB wall for more people to know.
I'm not trying to hide, but it's all so uncertain now. At least till tomorrow morning, I won't know if I have passed the preliminary knock-out round to make it pass the 2nd round interview. I'm planning this and that; if the announcement comes out tomorrow and my name is not there, it will be a huge disappointment for me. And I don't need all the looks and comforting talks from the unrelated people.
For another time, I want to do something, and I want to do it my way. Not with anyone butting into it giving their honest wise concerned advise and clever ideas. Wish you'd all just butt out. You can come visit when I am there, but for now, just freaggin back off.
Challenging Belief
I just realized this.
I think, I still hold this belief strongly. That explains a lot.
I used to think that I need to do all the work (during group assignments) because the other people aren't going to do their job. Even if they do, it's not going to be good enough. Even if it's good enough, they'd have spelling or grammar mistakes. If they do their job and are great, they wouldn't be in the same group as me. So I have to do all the work. If we all do our part, I'll just end up having more work to clean up after their not-good-enough-for-me-work.
I think I still believe that now. Sigh.
I think, I still hold this belief strongly. That explains a lot.
I used to think that I need to do all the work (during group assignments) because the other people aren't going to do their job. Even if they do, it's not going to be good enough. Even if it's good enough, they'd have spelling or grammar mistakes. If they do their job and are great, they wouldn't be in the same group as me. So I have to do all the work. If we all do our part, I'll just end up having more work to clean up after their not-good-enough-for-me-work.
I think I still believe that now. Sigh.
2012 Wishes to work on List
1. Read some interesting books.
2. Clean up my cupboard
3. Get socialized
4. Have a hairstyle make-over
5. Buy pretty clothes
6. Travel to Korea
7. Go on a field trip
8. Get an iPhone
9. Buy a pair of heels
10. Study something up
11. Brush up the piano skills
12. Learn another language
13. Get a love life
14. Pursue my dreams
15. Find what I want to do in life
16. Have fun
17. Throw away what other people think and might think
18. Stay happy
19. Pick up another musical instrument
20. Watch good movies
21. Take pictures with effort and meaning
22. Grow up a little
23. Smile and be happy
24. Be confident
It's not Jan 1. But it's not too late.
Have been working on a few: 1.5.7.11.14.16.20.
Have achieved some: 4.7.
Planning on a handful: 2.3.6.7.8.10.19.
Well, I think I'm on a good track.
2. Clean up my cupboard
3. Get socialized
4. Have a hairstyle make-over
5. Buy pretty clothes
6. Travel to Korea
7. Go on a field trip
8. Get an iPhone
9. Buy a pair of heels
10. Study something up
11. Brush up the piano skills
12. Learn another language
13. Get a love life
14. Pursue my dreams
15. Find what I want to do in life
16. Have fun
17. Throw away what other people think and might think
18. Stay happy
19. Pick up another musical instrument
20. Watch good movies
21. Take pictures with effort and meaning
22. Grow up a little
23. Smile and be happy
24. Be confident
It's not Jan 1. But it's not too late.
Have been working on a few: 1.5.7.11.14.16.20.
Have achieved some: 4.7.
Planning on a handful: 2.3.6.7.8.10.19.
Well, I think I'm on a good track.
Anticipating disaster
Earthquake hit Sumatra a few hours ago. We could feel it here in Penang.
We're kinda waiting for tsunami to hit our shore at 9.11pm, which is 15 minutes more. They say stay off the beach, but we live a few kilometres away from the seashore *shrug* I guess mum and dad figured they'd might as well enjoy and try to finish their Korean drama before the waves come and sweep them off.
And I know I should most probably be praying for the people at the island, or praying that it will not hit us bad, or be worried about my own life. But I'm more worried of getting my paper work done for the application. That's how much I want to do it. If you'd just understand.
I'm not settled. I dislike the idea of me working in the same still space for the rest of my long life. I still want to play and have fun and just be. I want to make up for all the time I've been good and stayed put. I wanna just do something which I like and people don't have to agree with it. It's not up to them to agree or disagree, because it's my own freaking life. I am trying to make sense of myself and trying to be me instead of just pleasing everyone and stop thinking...
Thin
After the tonsillitis, I think I've lost some weight fat. Haven't been on the scale though...
I wore shorts today, really short shorts, and my legs looked like twigs. Twigs that would snap oh so easily. I remember there was a time not so long ago when I didn't like my fatty legs, never knew this day would come...
I think, but am not too sure to blame, that all those soft food and patient's-diet had a big share on my weak physique lately. This week's team building activities I realized I had weak legs and my hands were not as strong as they were before. Today in the water park, my legs were wobbly and they couldn't balance as well as they used to be. Not that my hands were so strong and my balancing was that great, but it sure had regressed. *shrug*
30
" 在三十岁之前，及时回头，改正。从此褪下幼稚的外衣，将智慧带走。然后，要做一个合格人。开始负担，开始顽强地爱着生活，爱着世界"
I think I feel my clock ticking. Studies, career, loans, savings, car, house, marriage, children, I have nothing planned or done. I'm still living by the day. That's why deep in me I'm panicking, that's why in the midst of joy and enjoyment there's fear and unknown anxiety. Now I know it. ...
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