Deeper and deeper it went, this time it hurt so much I just stopped to just cry.
A part of me is curious and wants more insight to all that are bothering me, another part of me wants to call it quit because it is just too much pain and too much insight on how weak I really am.
As I tell certain stories tears overflow. I never knew how bothered I am by those things that I've repeated told people, of those I never told people. As much as I'm trying to be independent and not influenced by people I know, close or distant, people affect me more than I think they do.
Showing posts with label Counseling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Counseling. Show all posts
Control
"I don't know" that's the phrase I use to stop people from asking further, to block out myself from digging in and exploring further, just because the insight might be too painful. Is that what I've been always doing?
I know how I should feel. But I don't know how I really do feel.
I was as frank as I could have been. Just like how I strive to be in real life, minimal censor, just be me; but I end up censoring all after all.
Feeling, and trust. That was the theme.
I shed tears, but did not cry.
As I word it out, I heard my voice shake. That was something that I would used to tell everyone and joke about it. But today I realized that it might be something that bothers me the most.
She said that's the most insightful thing that I've said. My choice. Ironic how it is UTAR's slogan. Blerh~
I know how I should feel. But I don't know how I really do feel.
I was as frank as I could have been. Just like how I strive to be in real life, minimal censor, just be me; but I end up censoring all after all.
Feeling, and trust. That was the theme.
I shed tears, but did not cry.
As I word it out, I heard my voice shake. That was something that I would used to tell everyone and joke about it. But today I realized that it might be something that bothers me the most.
------
"Even if I just stayed in my room, it was MY choice."She said that's the most insightful thing that I've said. My choice. Ironic how it is UTAR's slogan. Blerh~
Today the good Friday
-----
Today at group counseling, the counselor asked about my week. I said nothing happened. Then she asked again, "nothing unordinary happened?" I looked at her in the eye and said no. I think she meant my start of individual counseling with her, I don't know... but I just didn't felt like it was something to mention in the group counseling.-----
I was crazy busy for the entire day today. Well, not really.
Dropped Silvia off to her exam, and I went enjoying breakfast with YY. Then went for class. Class ended early, so I had some time just being free, talking to Queenie. Counseling then. Counseling ended late. I rushed to release my exploding bladder, then went to buy food, then gobble it down so quick it felt really uncomfortable. After all the rushing I rushed to see my sup, only to realize that she's not in. wth. Then class. Class ended late.
I just took my time walking sleepily.
Lucky me I had my camera for company. I wanted to take pictures of the orange and green leaves with trees in the school parking, but I minded the many passer-bys watching. I wanted to take a picture of that creepy plant that I have to go through everyday, but I just didn't felt like it anymore. But I did took some nice pictures as I was
Today is a sweaty day
I got so sweaty from the walk to the bus and the bus ride, my pants... It felt like I peed in my pants.
>>>
My cellphone battery, is lasting shorter and shorter. It used to last for days, but now every 2 or 3 days it's dying, and it dies so quickly! The 16% of battery used to last me a day! LG Lollipop? *wink wink*
>>>
The counselor's homework for me was an emo diary. Feel the emotion, shout when I'm angry, cry when I'm sad etc.
I used to shout a lot when I was angry, but I controlled that, now she wants me to make myself regress? I can do the writing bit, but going loud in public is.... not very possible.
>>>
My cellphone battery, is lasting shorter and shorter. It used to last for days, but now every 2 or 3 days it's dying, and it dies so quickly! The 16% of battery used to last me a day! LG Lollipop? *wink wink*
>>>
The counselor's homework for me was an emo diary. Feel the emotion, shout when I'm angry, cry when I'm sad etc.
I used to shout a lot when I was angry, but I controlled that, now she wants me to make myself regress? I can do the writing bit, but going loud in public is.... not very possible.
Here we go again. Counseling.
My first counselor did not disclose much (if anything at all), my second counselor talked more than I did and made me felt like everything will be ok as time goes by. It did not help as I resisted and pushed my issues further down. Only that I didn’t realize those until after the counseling ended.
At points in the session I felt that it is pointless bringing up certain issues that I raised, because I know it only happens at this stage and I’m going to graduate soon, and soon all the problems may not be an issue anymore. But somehow I felt I trusted in counseling, though first and second time around it didn’t go quite right, I’ve always have faith in counseling for some unknown reason. I just needed some help in figure certain things out, as they are too messy in my head. I just needed some help in knowing myself better.
At points in the session I felt that it is pointless bringing up certain issues that I raised, because I know it only happens at this stage and I’m going to graduate soon, and soon all the problems may not be an issue anymore. But somehow I felt I trusted in counseling, though first and second time around it didn’t go quite right, I’ve always have faith in counseling for some unknown reason. I just needed some help in figure certain things out, as they are too messy in my head. I just needed some help in knowing myself better.
-----
Maybe I don’t need to be frustrated about the way I feel, maybe it is normal that I am feeling like that and I don’t need to feel guilty about it or stop making myself feel that way.I somehow felt sorry and not at all of help to the counselor and myself when I answered “I don’t know” and “maybe” to many questions the counselor posed. I wished I know the answers, but that’s one of the reasons that I am here, for I don’t know too many things that I should know about myself.
As the counselor reflect and summarized my rumblings, suddenly my messy thoughts was sorted out, it wasn’t that a big confusion after all. I don’t even know if what I said made any sense, I was so indulged in my thinking of I don’t know what; but the counselor understood what I said. I have been going round and round in circles for a long time, but all I needed to do was to link them all together and they’ll make sense.
-----
I’m lacking control in my life, therefore opts to control myself more. I’ve never seen the situation this way. For once in 3 times in counseling, I don’t feel stupid for my concerns which was seen as so trivial and insignificant.
Hyperday
Woke up feeling positive, drank coffee.
The day was hyper! I find the lecture funny, yeah imagine Queenie dozing off beside me while I laugh at YPL's jokes. I'm that excited.
During the counseling session I was talking a lot. Yup, that hyper.
During play lecture too, well, not really, cuz there wasn't anything particularly funny, plus my energy was going down down down.
Then went to the career fair. Hmmm.. As I expected, none of my interests.
Then I starved and had Japanese bento.
Now my tummy feels so uncomfortably bloated, like having a baby inside.
All day long I've been having racing trains of thoughts. Racing. I knew no one really quite get the point I wanted to raise during counseling session because I was jumping from one thought to another when I spoke, but I bet people did not bother too much about that LOL. Then in the evening I popped out a long complete English sentence while talking to Kath, it was totally random, but it was that fast I didn't have time to even translate it into Mandarin.
But the main highlight of the day was my exaggerated expression. Even I find it weird and stupid. But I kept doing it so I guess might as well keep up with the weird good fun. I was literally trying to stretch my face when I try to express something to Kath and the bunch. Smile really cheeks up, frown hard, raise my eyebrows high high up and say, "really?". Oh I'm so silly. LOL But I asked Silvia at the end of the day if she noticed, she said no. *raise eyebrow* Am I usually this stupid expression?
The day was hyper! I find the lecture funny, yeah imagine Queenie dozing off beside me while I laugh at YPL's jokes. I'm that excited.
During the counseling session I was talking a lot. Yup, that hyper.
During play lecture too, well, not really, cuz there wasn't anything particularly funny, plus my energy was going down down down.
Then went to the career fair. Hmmm.. As I expected, none of my interests.
Then I starved and had Japanese bento.
Now my tummy feels so uncomfortably bloated, like having a baby inside.
All day long I've been having racing trains of thoughts. Racing. I knew no one really quite get the point I wanted to raise during counseling session because I was jumping from one thought to another when I spoke, but I bet people did not bother too much about that LOL. Then in the evening I popped out a long complete English sentence while talking to Kath, it was totally random, but it was that fast I didn't have time to even translate it into Mandarin.
But the main highlight of the day was my exaggerated expression. Even I find it weird and stupid. But I kept doing it so I guess might as well keep up with the weird good fun. I was literally trying to stretch my face when I try to express something to Kath and the bunch. Smile really cheeks up, frown hard, raise my eyebrows high high up and say, "really?". Oh I'm so silly. LOL But I asked Silvia at the end of the day if she noticed, she said no. *raise eyebrow* Am I usually this stupid expression?
Group Counseling + Play
Session 2.
Only at the end of the session when the counselor summarized the session did I realize that she was actually doing all those waiting-for-answer-in-silence-oh-so-slow-so-boring to make us all to share. Hell yeah I did a good part not answering. I was practically mute the entire 2hours.
Anyways. One of our members shared something that has been bothering her, quite in depth actually. I felt her difficulty and struggle, I understood it. But I didn't say anything about it-lah, although I was kind of forced to, I resisted. The counselor kept looking at me, because I was the only one who didn't respond to her request (to tell how I feel about it) in the group. I wasn't really feeling anything, except that I understood her struggles and all, but I didn't wanna say that I didn't feel anything to someone who just revealed her pain. It wasn't exactly pity or anything and I thought "I empathize with her" sounded fake, so I just remained shut up.
I'm not many things ok. I'm not a share-y person. I'm not a feel-y person either. Well at least that's what people has told me and I too have observed of myself. I rationalize things so much, I know how I should feel, how people should feel at what point of time, but I just don't quite feel it. Well the feelings that I can identify in me are good (happy, excited), bad (down), shyness and anger.
Some days I have something great to look forward to I just smile all day, have rapid trains of thoughts and is positive about most things, that's when I know I'm excited or happy.
Some days I say "Sad-ah" more than the other not because I'm really feeling the sadness, it's because I know it's the time to feel sadness. Times when I need to cry or cries out, I don't think I really do feel sadness too, unless that literal heart ache sensation is how sadness feels.
I blush when I feel shy, the heat on my cheeks tells me that.
My heart races when I'm angry, my brain thinks of upsetting things when I'm angry, very literal things inform me about my feelings.
I never thought I wasn't feeling until people told me about it a few times. Then I realize, I might not be feeling. ... Am I just not a feel-ey person or am I blocking them away? (Well as psych students there's always subconscious and dark childhood and defense mechanism and all sorts you name it...)
Play class today was fun. We went to the playroom and played. Sounds pretty mundane right? Well it was kind of. Except the fact that we have to each play like a child and then 'play' the role of the therapist and get evaluated at. Being the child is not difficult but it gets a little tricky when you're very publicly self aware and there are about 9 people staring at you while you pretend to be a child. At times I got absorbed in the playing but then I turn my head and sense all those eyes staring at me I just jumped back to reality and pretended to play. I wanted to play one of my kids, Saj, or Han, or Tave, or Dave. Many personalities that I know came to mind, but when I actually got down and played, I just played like a dumb kid. Bleh. Haha, but I incorporated HohoHin's love for the blender's sound effect! So malu, but made me miss him so much more.
Plus I broke a toy. What are the odds right. So crazy. I was trying to lift the doll's hands and the head just snapped off. Freaked me out, freaked my 'therapist' out. Totally. "It's ok, accidents happen." Yea I know toys break some times, but by a university student who is just pretending to play? Gosh, how guilty can I not be.
I then played the role of the therapist. It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Maybe my 'child' was really easy going and absorbed in her own play and doesn't really care about me. Feedback was that I was monotonous. And I need to have more feeling and expression.
First feeling-less, now expression? Ok I need some feedback here, am I usually expression-less everyday? I know for a fact that I look angry and grumpy and pissed (usually am) when I don't have any expression. Bleh! I don't wanna have a grumpy unhappy pissed face when I'm with a child. OK children tell me! Ok children don't read my blogs so they can't tell me, but I think I do have expressions when I play with them,... right? Gahhh. What about feelings? I'm not a feel-y person larhhhh......
Arh it's driving me nuts. It's not that I'm not interested, I really do, but you're not a real kid and aiyo. I don't know.
Only at the end of the session when the counselor summarized the session did I realize that she was actually doing all those waiting-for-answer-in-silence-oh-so-slow-so-boring to make us all to share. Hell yeah I did a good part not answering. I was practically mute the entire 2hours.
Anyways. One of our members shared something that has been bothering her, quite in depth actually. I felt her difficulty and struggle, I understood it. But I didn't say anything about it-lah, although I was kind of forced to, I resisted. The counselor kept looking at me, because I was the only one who didn't respond to her request (to tell how I feel about it) in the group. I wasn't really feeling anything, except that I understood her struggles and all, but I didn't wanna say that I didn't feel anything to someone who just revealed her pain. It wasn't exactly pity or anything and I thought "I empathize with her" sounded fake, so I just remained shut up.
I'm not many things ok. I'm not a share-y person. I'm not a feel-y person either. Well at least that's what people has told me and I too have observed of myself. I rationalize things so much, I know how I should feel, how people should feel at what point of time, but I just don't quite feel it. Well the feelings that I can identify in me are good (happy, excited), bad (down), shyness and anger.
Some days I have something great to look forward to I just smile all day, have rapid trains of thoughts and is positive about most things, that's when I know I'm excited or happy.
Some days I say "Sad-ah" more than the other not because I'm really feeling the sadness, it's because I know it's the time to feel sadness. Times when I need to cry or cries out, I don't think I really do feel sadness too, unless that literal heart ache sensation is how sadness feels.
I blush when I feel shy, the heat on my cheeks tells me that.
My heart races when I'm angry, my brain thinks of upsetting things when I'm angry, very literal things inform me about my feelings.
I never thought I wasn't feeling until people told me about it a few times. Then I realize, I might not be feeling. ... Am I just not a feel-ey person or am I blocking them away? (Well as psych students there's always subconscious and dark childhood and defense mechanism and all sorts you name it...)
-----
Play class today was fun. We went to the playroom and played. Sounds pretty mundane right? Well it was kind of. Except the fact that we have to each play like a child and then 'play' the role of the therapist and get evaluated at. Being the child is not difficult but it gets a little tricky when you're very publicly self aware and there are about 9 people staring at you while you pretend to be a child. At times I got absorbed in the playing but then I turn my head and sense all those eyes staring at me I just jumped back to reality and pretended to play. I wanted to play one of my kids, Saj, or Han, or Tave, or Dave. Many personalities that I know came to mind, but when I actually got down and played, I just played like a dumb kid. Bleh. Haha, but I incorporated HohoHin's love for the blender's sound effect! So malu, but made me miss him so much more.
Plus I broke a toy. What are the odds right. So crazy. I was trying to lift the doll's hands and the head just snapped off. Freaked me out, freaked my 'therapist' out. Totally. "It's ok, accidents happen." Yea I know toys break some times, but by a university student who is just pretending to play? Gosh, how guilty can I not be.
I then played the role of the therapist. It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Maybe my 'child' was really easy going and absorbed in her own play and doesn't really care about me. Feedback was that I was monotonous. And I need to have more feeling and expression.
First feeling-less, now expression? Ok I need some feedback here, am I usually expression-less everyday? I know for a fact that I look angry and grumpy and pissed (usually am) when I don't have any expression. Bleh! I don't wanna have a grumpy unhappy pissed face when I'm with a child. OK children tell me! Ok children don't read my blogs so they can't tell me, but I think I do have expressions when I play with them,... right? Gahhh. What about feelings? I'm not a feel-y person larhhhh......
Arh it's driving me nuts. It's not that I'm not interested, I really do, but you're not a real kid and aiyo. I don't know.
Dear Counselor
Though you're weird by doing all the talking
Though you never really did counsel
I thank you for you have helped me some deal. Thanks.
I will remember what you told me,
- that I should stop thinking,
- that I worry too much
- that I should live in the present and be mindful
- that I should decide for myself what I want to do
- that all are my choices, how I think and what i do
Counseling ended. Somehow it feels really sad that the counseling has ended. Though I really have nothing to tell no more this time, I felt that ending that therapy was kind of sad.
I forgot to ask to see my records though. Something I only remember when I was driving home at 9+pm.
He says insecurity was not my problem
I think he sounded a little like accusing me that I made up that 'issue' just for the sake of conversation for the session.
And I talked like a Malaysian, lah, mah, meh, loh, all those stuff. I dislike how I speak.
Telepathic
It didn't go well today.
He sent me off before it was even 30minutes.
I wasn't thinking
yet so many thoughts raced through my mind.
I couldn't comprehend any.
I was barely understanding what was said
nor do I remember what I said.
I went in without my brain.
He said I'll tell when I'm ready
I'll tell when it's time.
I didn't know of what,
but I was in such a hurry to leave
before I would burst into tears.
What happened?
Here we go again tears
I started attending counseling again yesterday.
Of course tears were not spared, but I actually felt so much better after it, even though it was just an intake session with no counseling yet.
My counselor is totally different than my previous one.
Previous lady was quiet and did not disclose and kept digging in and make me cry cry cry but this time the guy he talked a lot and disclosed and kept checking if I'm ok to move on if I seem a bit emotional.
I like my new counselor. I feel comfortable, it's like talking to a friend's father who is very kind. We shall decide more next week when the real counseling comes in.
The Tantrum
I lied to the counselor. About something.
And I told her that it's too difficult for me therefore I don't want to continue anymore.
*****
It was chaotic. One misinterpretation and got everyone on their feet jumping in panic. I didn't admire the quick change of statement after realizing the fault. The admit of mistake could have been better if there was more sincerity.
I threw tantrum.
Felt so fed up that both of them didn't work it out yet. What were they waiting for?
So crossed when she gave the excuse that she couldn't make the phonecall just because the classroom was noisy. I felt the urge to strangle her and chop off her leg when yelled at her that she could have walked outside to do it.
I should have known to not expect anything. It was a chance for them to change my mind, but they failed the test badly.
I can be so controlled by anger sometimes.
And I told her that it's too difficult for me therefore I don't want to continue anymore.
*****
It was chaotic. One misinterpretation and got everyone on their feet jumping in panic. I didn't admire the quick change of statement after realizing the fault. The admit of mistake could have been better if there was more sincerity.
I threw tantrum.
Felt so fed up that both of them didn't work it out yet. What were they waiting for?
So crossed when she gave the excuse that she couldn't make the phonecall just because the classroom was noisy. I felt the urge to strangle her and chop off her leg when yelled at her that she could have walked outside to do it.
I should have known to not expect anything. It was a chance for them to change my mind, but they failed the test badly.
I can be so controlled by anger sometimes.
Counseling
I wonder why we are going in circles, trying to identify something which I stated so many times that I don't know what it is.
I wonder why I pay money to dig in so much pain that I could live with them buried in.
I wonder why I pay money to dig in so much pain that I could live with them buried in.
Tuesday
Tuesday, a day to remember.
Attended my ever first session of counselling.
What happened? I spilled, a lot. Words and tears.
I just need people to listen or read my blog, and that's it.
No giving advise, no.
No telling me what to do, no.
No telling it to others, no.
I'll tell the people if I want them to know.
*****
Rushed for class, and had our experiment trial run with Ms W.
Scary as it is, standing in front of Ms W, so close to her.
When we ran the experiment with her, it was so quiet, I was afraid that she would hear me swallow my saliva.
Q&A session wasn't that traumatic, felt rather safe standing shoulder to shoulder with everyone else in the team.
Ms W is my idol, just like Dr G. Bet no one really knew about it.
Scary as she is, she just has this set of principles that she follows, which others perceive her as rigid; she is nice enough to understand nervousness and slips of the tongue.
Me is glad to be so near to Ms W and hearing she call my name. (^^)
What a relief to pass the trial run. Now we can run our very first experiment!
Now I feel like a real psychologist (to-be)!
*****
Korean Level 2's first lesson that night.
Glad to see NiPang again. *hug hug*
First lesson was about revision for Level 1, all the particles and grammar, glad I remembered most of them!
기분이 촣아~
Attended my ever first session of counselling.
What happened? I spilled, a lot. Words and tears.
I just need people to listen or read my blog, and that's it.
No giving advise, no.
No telling me what to do, no.
No telling it to others, no.
I'll tell the people if I want them to know.
*****
Rushed for class, and had our experiment trial run with Ms W.
Scary as it is, standing in front of Ms W, so close to her.
When we ran the experiment with her, it was so quiet, I was afraid that she would hear me swallow my saliva.
Q&A session wasn't that traumatic, felt rather safe standing shoulder to shoulder with everyone else in the team.
Ms W is my idol, just like Dr G. Bet no one really knew about it.
Scary as she is, she just has this set of principles that she follows, which others perceive her as rigid; she is nice enough to understand nervousness and slips of the tongue.
Me is glad to be so near to Ms W and hearing she call my name. (^^)
What a relief to pass the trial run. Now we can run our very first experiment!
Now I feel like a real psychologist (to-be)!
*****
Korean Level 2's first lesson that night.
Glad to see NiPang again. *hug hug*
First lesson was about revision for Level 1, all the particles and grammar, glad I remembered most of them!
기분이 촣아~
Counselling
Set up appointment for counselling.
The guy at the desk asked what's the problem I face.
Started shivering and almost had tears rolling down when I said,
"I have problems trusting people,
and I don't talk to people about my thoughts or problems.
I'm struggling a bit."
That's not my only problem. And I'm not struggling just a bit.
K later decided not to do the counselling anymore, reasoning that she has problems telling people her problems.
That's why we go to counsellors, isn't it?
Requested for a female counsellor. Males have a thing that scares me, just like plants and animals and all living creatures do, which I cannot identify.
Keep fingers crossed and hope it will at least improve something.
The guy at the desk asked what's the problem I face.
Started shivering and almost had tears rolling down when I said,
"I have problems trusting people,
and I don't talk to people about my thoughts or problems.
I'm struggling a bit."
That's not my only problem. And I'm not struggling just a bit.
K later decided not to do the counselling anymore, reasoning that she has problems telling people her problems.
That's why we go to counsellors, isn't it?
Requested for a female counsellor. Males have a thing that scares me, just like plants and animals and all living creatures do, which I cannot identify.
Keep fingers crossed and hope it will at least improve something.
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