Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Friends
One night as my sister brought home her bunch of friends, merrily giggling and laughing away, drunk in their game of cards, I retracted quietly into my bubble. Slowly I shrank smaller and smaller, quieter and quieter, until no sound from the world came within. My sister walked over and "why so emo?" she asked. I defended I wasn't, but it made me realize I was being "emo". It was pulling me down, the laughter and the chaos happening right in front of me which I want to join so badly yet not wanting to fit. I missed my fit. I missed my friends. I missed the hoo-ha over nothing. I guess we've passed that stage. Or maybe it was just me feeling very away from the bunch. I miss them crazy people.
farewell
farewells suck.
today's was even worse when she received a call giving bad news. If breaking down was the logical thing to do, I could say it was more than that. Pretending to be fine while the feelings bubble up and choke was what I was seeing, and there are a whole lot more that was going inside that we do not know of.
The colleagues surprised me for my upcoming birthday. I was surprised, for I didn't pick up the fattest cue while I worry and feel sorry over the incident. "I get very pessimistic when it comes to life and death," I told her, when she asked if I'm happy about their surprise. I am happy, and grateful, for they always make an effort to celebrate it for me even though I never do it for them. They are my friends, and so was she.
I just felt that it wasn't the best day to celebrate as she was in such deep trouble and worry. I sat beside her while she silently weeps and pretends to be fine and tries to crack a joke, when it was all not fine and nothing near fine, and all I could do for her is nothing.
today's was even worse when she received a call giving bad news. If breaking down was the logical thing to do, I could say it was more than that. Pretending to be fine while the feelings bubble up and choke was what I was seeing, and there are a whole lot more that was going inside that we do not know of.
The colleagues surprised me for my upcoming birthday. I was surprised, for I didn't pick up the fattest cue while I worry and feel sorry over the incident. "I get very pessimistic when it comes to life and death," I told her, when she asked if I'm happy about their surprise. I am happy, and grateful, for they always make an effort to celebrate it for me even though I never do it for them. They are my friends, and so was she.
I just felt that it wasn't the best day to celebrate as she was in such deep trouble and worry. I sat beside her while she silently weeps and pretends to be fine and tries to crack a joke, when it was all not fine and nothing near fine, and all I could do for her is nothing.
Sick
Sick. Just flu and fever actually, but dad brought me to the clinic and I almost passed out there and then which worried me. Doctor gave me 2 days of sick leave and I used it to the max.
Day 2 a fellow colleague texted to say that her brother got into an accident and is in coma. I got so worried and started to blame myself for not being there for her, instead I stayed home due to cold feet and momentary dizziness. I could have been there to help out in whatever she has to do so she can pack up her emotions to go. I didn't meet her today when I came back to work as she left for the brother.
She must be in so much pain now. There can be so much blame and pain going around in the household. And to care for the brother when he wakes, his physical needs, mental needs, emotional needs, and all, it's going to be so exhaustive.
I couldn't even imagine it. Once I saw a movie or book or something which made me think of loosing my brother and that thought made me down and cried for so long. I can't imagine what's going through the dear colleague's mind right now, the buzz and fear and worries and all the possible things that could fit into our brain at one go, all thinking about her brother lying on the bed in a coma, waiting for the day he wakes.
Day 2 a fellow colleague texted to say that her brother got into an accident and is in coma. I got so worried and started to blame myself for not being there for her, instead I stayed home due to cold feet and momentary dizziness. I could have been there to help out in whatever she has to do so she can pack up her emotions to go. I didn't meet her today when I came back to work as she left for the brother.
She must be in so much pain now. There can be so much blame and pain going around in the household. And to care for the brother when he wakes, his physical needs, mental needs, emotional needs, and all, it's going to be so exhaustive.
I couldn't even imagine it. Once I saw a movie or book or something which made me think of loosing my brother and that thought made me down and cried for so long. I can't imagine what's going through the dear colleague's mind right now, the buzz and fear and worries and all the possible things that could fit into our brain at one go, all thinking about her brother lying on the bed in a coma, waiting for the day he wakes.
Gang
Had a short trip to KL about 2 weeks ago. Met up with friends, catch up a little.
It's funny how 6 out of 7 of us in the gang ended up in the education field.
3 in special ed,
1 in secondary school ,
1 counsulting new students in university,
and me in a preschool.
And the last person? Works in a credit card company. No joke. All 6 busy contributing to education and society while she gets people to swipe their card and spend more money. Hahahahaha, but it sounded really fun, and better paid than most of us. =P
Anyways, everyone seems happy with their life after graduation. I think. At least it looks like so. Even under stress and uncertainty I see them fulfilled in some way for being independent and contributive(?) to the betterment of our society and future. At least we're finding meaning and making sense of our lives.
It's funny how we're all 7 different people from different parts of the country, with different personalities and yet could form the gang. Weird. But we got along, and enjoyed each others' different sense of humour and wisdom. =)
It's funny how 6 out of 7 of us in the gang ended up in the education field.
3 in special ed,
1 in secondary school ,
1 counsulting new students in university,
and me in a preschool.
And the last person? Works in a credit card company. No joke. All 6 busy contributing to education and society while she gets people to swipe their card and spend more money. Hahahahaha, but it sounded really fun, and better paid than most of us. =P
Anyways, everyone seems happy with their life after graduation. I think. At least it looks like so. Even under stress and uncertainty I see them fulfilled in some way for being independent and contributive(?) to the betterment of our society and future. At least we're finding meaning and making sense of our lives.
It's funny how we're all 7 different people from different parts of the country, with different personalities and yet could form the gang. Weird. But we got along, and enjoyed each others' different sense of humour and wisdom. =)
Hush
Met up with YY.
It's still the same. Except it's not.
I can still talk to her about anything I felt like to. Except that I had to think quick, to rush against time, to do as much before the time to part.
It's still the same. Except it's not.
I can still talk to her about anything I felt like to. Except that I had to think quick, to rush against time, to do as much before the time to part.
Friends
She has a guy best friend. The Guy got a Girlfriend who is jealous of their close relationship. Somehow it caused a misunderstanding.
She is all stirred up because of the issue. She is on the phone explaining and investigating who said what that caused all these mess. I asked myself if I would ever be so eager to explain myself to others, even when it comes to people I care so much.
I remember Her, from the Foundation years. I guessed I forgave but never forgot. I remembered that time when I was unhappy and blogged about her behaviors. She read through my blog and copied them down, and read them back to me as she questioned me about every single sentence that I wrote about her. She was too, very aggressive in explaining herself.
I sat there, holding back my tears as she put all the fault onto me. I didn't explain. I didn't say a thing. I just let her finish and I left. Just like how a small kid is sent to the headmasters office to get a lecture, no explanations, no talking back.
I didn't explain myself. I let her finish and left. I figured explaining myself to someone who is busy pointing her finger at me wasn't worth it. I know better that I do not deserve this nasty finger-pointing friendship that is not trusting.
I trusted her. So much. I cried for days, but that's what I did. I didn't go up to her and explain myself and try to make up for it. I guess maybe I didn't care so much for our friendship after all. Or was it me being silly, thinking that friends who don't trust are not worth it, not fighting back the misunderstandings and try to mend our friendship?
That wasn't the only time I felt betrayed and lied to. But I never bother to explain myself. I remember my counsellor who made me confront her in the empty chair. Even then I was so scared to confront an empty chair because confrontation was so overwhelming. Perhaps the counsellor was right for scolding me for being a coward and refusing to confront, even to an imaginary image of the person.
And when we meet again I try to convince myself that it was just a misunderstanding on my side and we can be friends again like nothing happened. But it never did become the same any more...
I envy her, for fighting for herself and the friendship she treasures. Because she trusts, whole heartedly, without holding back, even though it hurts.
dear Ben
it's been a long time.
i'm sorry i've forgotten how you looked like
but i remember the joy and wisdom that you have inspired us to have
So long
Didn't quite feel it last night, but after a night of light sleep, I woke up being quite emotional about Jule's departure. We're not the bestest friends, I don't even know what's her favourite color, I hardly see her more than twice a year, but still. She's more family than friend. She's my first friend, we've been friends literally since forever ever existed. We're not close but we're close. I don't know...
I started weeping in the car, like an idiot. I guess the thought of not knowing when we'll really see each other anymore is scary. Someone I've known all my life is now moving across the globe to lead a very different and far away life, not going to see her in the coming new year and Chinese new year, not going to see her after 4 hours drive. It's all going to be different isn't it...
우린...
우린
아직 친구사이니?
황당스러워서
4년전의 넌 그렇게 한심해. 난 죽을 때까지 용서 못하는것 같아.
가끔은 너를 생각나. 잘 지내지? 좋은 사람 됐었냐? 아직 그렇게 독하니? 난 너에게 뭐였어? 난 궁금한데 넌 나한데 궁금하니? 관심 있어지?
너에게 나 몰라.
Karaoke
Last night we went karaoke. 3 girls, 5 hours, lots of food and drinks, non-stop singing.
at 10+ we were so tired and sore in the throat we were lying down on the long long couch like it's our home. I even brought my blanket. =)
So much so much fun.
at 10+ we were so tired and sore in the throat we were lying down on the long long couch like it's our home. I even brought my blanket. =)
So much so much fun.
Old Souls
An old soul met an old soul. It was a primary school friend, it's been a long long time since we knew each other but somehow there was a connection, a bond. We talked like we've been close friends since forever, and it felt great.
She's an old soul, like me. I can tell her things I don't tell people, what's really going on inside, and what I think of myself and the world, without feeling being judged. For she's not a person who passes judgement.
We kept sigh-ing we're old souls. But I'm glad I know someone as young as me, wishes to be young but is an old soul, and most importantly is not an elderly who nags but listens. =) I guess the reason I'm not meeting up with people is because I know people judge and well, just don't understand.
She's an old soul, like me. I can tell her things I don't tell people, what's really going on inside, and what I think of myself and the world, without feeling being judged. For she's not a person who passes judgement.
We kept sigh-ing we're old souls. But I'm glad I know someone as young as me, wishes to be young but is an old soul, and most importantly is not an elderly who nags but listens. =) I guess the reason I'm not meeting up with people is because I know people judge and well, just don't understand.
Change
I think I saw a highschool mate at the ferry waiting line just now. Parked exactly side by side. But he was not my friend (yes I'm friendless), merely a classmate. I was not sure if it was him, but the guy seemed very handsome. LOL. Driving an import car, if it was him, he must be doing very well.
Gosh. After high school people has changed, and walked into two directions. One group has styled up, make up or whatever, grown into more beautiful people. The other has styled up, make up, all in the wrong way, or slacked and fattened, grown into less desirable looking people. Sadly speaking I'm from the later group. Well, not really, I dare say I haven't changed much since then, but my style has definitely improved from baggy t-shirts to socially more acceptable but still comfortable shirts.
Some once beautiful people has chosen the wrong path to maturity, some average looking people chose the path to shine. Oh such is life, of people and their choices and tastes.
Gosh. After high school people has changed, and walked into two directions. One group has styled up, make up or whatever, grown into more beautiful people. The other has styled up, make up, all in the wrong way, or slacked and fattened, grown into less desirable looking people. Sadly speaking I'm from the later group. Well, not really, I dare say I haven't changed much since then, but my style has definitely improved from baggy t-shirts to socially more acceptable but still comfortable shirts.
Some once beautiful people has chosen the wrong path to maturity, some average looking people chose the path to shine. Oh such is life, of people and their choices and tastes.
2.00
Just RM2.00. Even I'm amazed.
I met up with YinYee. And her boyfriend. And his parents, for dinner. LOL. Totally unplanned, random and not my kinda thing. Anyways.
I looked up the googlemaps to find how to go to the hwaker center in town, which I've been a few times. I'm really bad with roads, plus I don't go out a lot, you do the math. So. We went to that place alright, lucky me I'm good at drawing and following maps. But the place was closed. OMG why of all days.............
Cut theembarrassing story short, the boyfriend's friend was joining, so we got saved by a true Penangnite WTH.
I sat through the dinner like a dumb kiddo tourist, not ordering food, not paying, just picking food to eat. This reminds me that I'm a really really sad Penangnite; not only I can't recognize roads, I don't favourite most infamous Penang food like fried oyster, laksa, char-koay-teow, hokkien noodles, you name it. My favourite foods are: Wanton noodles, chicken rice and passembur. Sad yes, typical hell no. Back to the story.
So not only I got YY to bring me my convo robes all the way from KL, I got her boyfriend's friend to (indirectly) treat me dinner. Wahahahaha. We had a decent '8course meal' for the 6 of us at the hawker stall, and I only paid RM2 for parking. Great huh.
Just RM2. Even I'm amazed by my attachment to money.
I met up with YinYee. And her boyfriend. And his parents, for dinner. LOL. Totally unplanned, random and not my kinda thing. Anyways.
I looked up the googlemaps to find how to go to the hwaker center in town, which I've been a few times. I'm really bad with roads, plus I don't go out a lot, you do the math. So. We went to that place alright, lucky me I'm good at drawing and following maps. But the place was closed. OMG why of all days.............
Cut the
I sat through the dinner like a dumb kiddo tourist, not ordering food, not paying, just picking food to eat. This reminds me that I'm a really really sad Penangnite; not only I can't recognize roads, I don't favourite most infamous Penang food like fried oyster, laksa, char-koay-teow, hokkien noodles, you name it. My favourite foods are: Wanton noodles, chicken rice and passembur. Sad yes, typical hell no. Back to the story.
So not only I got YY to bring me my convo robes all the way from KL, I got her boyfriend's friend to (indirectly) treat me dinner. Wahahahaha. We had a decent '8course meal' for the 6 of us at the hawker stall, and I only paid RM2 for parking. Great huh.
Just RM2. Even I'm amazed by my attachment to money.
High School
Had a small gathering with PeyWen and Wendy last night. Had some small update from PeyWen the networker who knows most updates from most mates from high school.
Seems like some of us has changed a lot, some has 'progressed' with many partners, but funny how a few seems to go around trying out mates from high school, it's like.. ok I shall stop passing judgments now.
I've never seen Peywen ever since we graduated from high school. She's still so talkative and loud and friendly and laugh-y. =) This is regretfully only my second 'reunion' with my high school mates since graduation 5 years ago. I've never really seen friends from pre-U year, nor friends from BWCMC. I blame it on me being a social lame-o but it's just that I don't take initiative for I'm afraid of not knowing what to say, or worse, people not remembering me..
Seems like some of us has changed a lot, some has 'progressed' with many partners, but funny how a few seems to go around trying out mates from high school, it's like.. ok I shall stop passing judgments now.
I've never seen Peywen ever since we graduated from high school. She's still so talkative and loud and friendly and laugh-y. =) This is regretfully only my second 'reunion' with my high school mates since graduation 5 years ago. I've never really seen friends from pre-U year, nor friends from BWCMC. I blame it on me being a social lame-o but it's just that I don't take initiative for I'm afraid of not knowing what to say, or worse, people not remembering me..
Trust
Sometimes it's hard to know who's true and who's not.
Sometimes it's difficult to tell who's the good and who's not.
Sometimes the cunning looks innocent,
sometimes many cunning ones pretend to be innocent and point at the innocent to look cunning.
It's difficult to tell, who to trust, who not to. When you talk about people in their backs, when you talk about people when there's just you and me, when your story is different from how people say it, when your stories are twisted so far from the truth... Is it you who believe your story, or you who naively think that people won't find out the same story but conflicting storyline from another source?
They say things they don't mean, they promise things they don't mean to keep, after all, they don't lose anything except getting trustability marks deducted from an insignificant person. It seems people don't bother to be real or sincere, or worse, are naturally wicked and cunning... People are scary.
Sometimes it's difficult to tell who's the good and who's not.
Sometimes the cunning looks innocent,
sometimes many cunning ones pretend to be innocent and point at the innocent to look cunning.
It's difficult to tell, who to trust, who not to. When you talk about people in their backs, when you talk about people when there's just you and me, when your story is different from how people say it, when your stories are twisted so far from the truth... Is it you who believe your story, or you who naively think that people won't find out the same story but conflicting storyline from another source?
They say things they don't mean, they promise things they don't mean to keep, after all, they don't lose anything except getting trustability marks deducted from an insignificant person. It seems people don't bother to be real or sincere, or worse, are naturally wicked and cunning... People are scary.
Short but Sweet
Sleepover at KK's. =)
Random conversations from giving birth using eyes, nose piercing etc.
Lydia appearing everywhere we go.
Feeding mosquitoes at night.
No games, or gossiping.
Parking nonsense.
The weird form of un-surprise.
Then we all went home.
Glad they loved the small gifts. I loved those too. =)
Random conversations from giving birth using eyes, nose piercing etc.
Lydia appearing everywhere we go.
Feeding mosquitoes at night.
No games, or gossiping.
Parking nonsense.
The weird form of un-surprise.
Then we all went home.
Glad they loved the small gifts. I loved those too. =)
The weirdest conversation
Jassic asked if I was looking for a boyfriend for she wanna introduce her brother to me. That was the most weirdest conversation I've ever had with a friend.
Maldivian tuna
My group member, actually brought me cans of tuna, those that she treasures so much to import them all the way from Maldives! When we were talking about how she brings her own tuna from Maldives every time she said she'd let me try when she gets the chance to. I was thinking getting it in a piece of bread, and maybe sometime in the far future if the sharing ever happens, but no, it's not a slice of bread but two whole cans! Plus it's 2 days immediately after she said that. OMG so touched can die ok.
Meeting people who are extra kind makes me feel selfish and wicked.
Meeting people who are extra kind makes me feel selfish and wicked.
Meals
Despite having a tight budget, I had lunch with Kathleen, dinner with YanLing, YinYee and LaiThin. It was a nice nice day.
YY, YL and LT have graduated. All of them 'working' sorta. YY just started, LT starting soon, YL... part-timing. But I didn't feel out of place, I just felt that my thesis rants and assignment complaints are so insignificant and redundant to express.
I'm glad that we're moving on to another stage of life. Though she cried about fatigue (LOL at the use of word) from work, I'm still glad she is making the transition, and the supervisor sounded like a nice boss. I don't know, somehow, I feel we're really growing. I just hope for that innocence and moral and great values to stay and not be swayed by the societal influences and forces.
We talked about getting married and having babies, in the very light tone. I expressed that I would marry a rich guy and use his money to do whatever I wanna do. YL said I was scary. I think I sounded like a materialistic money sucker.
They asked me what if I need to sleep with the person, what if he's old and wrinkly. I said I'd sleep (I thought we'd just sleep side by side, only to realize that they meant having sex =S), I said it's good to be old to die in a few years.
But I never really did thought of those before, for I don't think I'll ever do go marry someone rich just for the money. After all I'm a person with dignity and pride, and do not trust in dependence.
I don't know, we'll have to wait for time to come to see what kind of person I really am.
YY, YL and LT have graduated. All of them 'working' sorta. YY just started, LT starting soon, YL... part-timing. But I didn't feel out of place, I just felt that my thesis rants and assignment complaints are so insignificant and redundant to express.
I'm glad that we're moving on to another stage of life. Though she cried about fatigue (LOL at the use of word) from work, I'm still glad she is making the transition, and the supervisor sounded like a nice boss. I don't know, somehow, I feel we're really growing. I just hope for that innocence and moral and great values to stay and not be swayed by the societal influences and forces.
-----
We talked about getting married and having babies, in the very light tone. I expressed that I would marry a rich guy and use his money to do whatever I wanna do. YL said I was scary. I think I sounded like a materialistic money sucker.
They asked me what if I need to sleep with the person, what if he's old and wrinkly. I said I'd sleep (I thought we'd just sleep side by side, only to realize that they meant having sex =S), I said it's good to be old to die in a few years.
But I never really did thought of those before, for I don't think I'll ever do go marry someone rich just for the money. After all I'm a person with dignity and pride, and do not trust in dependence.
I don't know, we'll have to wait for time to come to see what kind of person I really am.
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