선택

미안한다는 말 너무 많이 한나봐.
이거아니고 틀린것같아. 자꾸 잘 할 수 있는데 이거아니다.
안 한다고 하면 안돼나? 왠지 너도 나랑 같은 무서움을 느낀다.

Mask of Pretense

They say don't promise things in times of happiness and don't decide things in times of despair. I think I was just trying to prove myself right. Because things are not going right as I see it... That one thing you said left a deep mark in my heart, and that something you said hurt so much without you meaning it. I seriously don't know what I want now. I'm losing not only a job but something I enjoy doing so much, and a stable income. He said don't look back, it was so wise, but I can't see nothing in the front, I'm trying hard not to look back, but there's nothing to distract me here now or in the future. Everyone keep saying it's a change for the better but why can't I see it? It's new and needs some time to adjust, and change is supposed to be stressful and all, but it is not feeling right. I think I'm making it a bigger deal than it should be so I'm keeping it as low as I can. As he said I'm all closed up and everything is about me myself and I only, I'm becoming so selfish and self absorbed than ever before. It's true. It's true. I expect everyone to be there for me and shake with me when my world is shaking and crumbling down, and it kinda disappoints me that everyone is just moving on and passing by. I'm ok, I tell myself I'm ok. I guess I just need to grow up and get over it for real. And I'm rumbling about this now which is going from one point to another without making any sense. Just forget it.

Give, but don't allow yourself to be used.
Trust, but don't be naive.
Listen to others, but don't lose your own voice.

I've decided. They say, if you wait for the 'time' to come, it will never happen. I want to make it happen, though now might not be the 'time', it can be the turning point.

I've decided.

Fall

I dunno.
I was sort of informed, but not prepared. But then again, I'm never prepared for anything.
Taking it slow, one step at a time.
Can't decide. It's going to be alright, for you and me too. I hope.
I wanna hug you tight and say you're gonna be ok, I'm gonna be ok, we're all gonna be ok, I can't.
It's gonna be alright, right?

변함

진짜 무섭다. 이런 변화 또 나았네.

우리 다 관한겠죠? 난 더이상 더 얼마아놰는데. 애 엄마도 친구동생도 친구도 잘될거지..

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You

Sometimes I wonder if you still care as much, or even care enough. I know I'm not to judge, but it's affecting not just you, but me and everyone else. Your tantrums, your inefficiency, your lack of attention and care to everyone. And mind you, it's your job to care.

I feel bad for knowing your little secrets. Sometimes when you do certain decisions I can't help but to judge you based on the little secrets. I hate trying to pretend I don't know a thing when I'm also a culprit, I hate it that my conscience always steps out to help you say nice things to other people so they wouldn't judge you negatively. And I wonder, many times, if you have more secrets to keep from us.

I see your selfishness, I try to tell myself that everyone is selfish and so am I.
I see your little tricks, how you so confidently squirm through 'obstacles' that would keep you from reaching your goals, which are not always nice things.
I look up to your confidence and wisdom, yet despise your smart little tricks to make things easier for you while it brings problems to others. It's oxymoronic, sometimes I explode when I've had enough, but you take it for granted that I only blow up once in a long while.

Nobody's perfect. I know that. I just wished that you're more ambitious in the morale and conscience aspects, that's all.

여기서

어느새
나
여기서
그만하자고

더 자유로운 곳에
도망가고 싶어.

나
나쁜일이
안하지만
잘 해주지
않아서
나쁜 사람이
된다.

Sucky feeling

It sucks. I'm still stuck at work and it's eating me up from inside. Good thing I don't have heavy classes to carry out. Heh, you might say, how heavy can a preschool class be? Joke you not, there are classes that kill when you're in a bad state.

Saw the results, I checked 3 times to confirm. I looked up from the computer screen with a different perspective. This place, these children, this job, this failure me. I stopped, thinking, functioning, looking at the kids, just stopped.
I wanted to ask the person, or just anyone, why I had failed. Couldn't help but feeling that I'm not good enough.

Now I look at the kids and listen to them and watch them play. They're just so happy and yet this time I can't contract the happy naive disease from them... I am going to be ok.

Scared

As I do all these I fear.
The more I plan and prepare, instead of getting more excited, I get more fearful.
What if it doesn't work out? My hopes and plans would crumble down into tiny biscuit crumbs. When the wind blows it'll blow my heart away, and the little ants will come carrying them away one by one as though mocking me of my stupidity in putting high hopes again.

I know better than not to do or plan, then I wouldn't be disappointed then try to pretend I'm fine with it.
That's why I've never really done it even though it's something that I wanted to do so much, because it's just so comfortable being what I am, and not risking the disappointment.

Little thoughts

为什么你天天念佛拜佛吃素这个那个还没有把你的虚荣心去除掉

没有脑，为什么不会明白这些用屁股想也想得出的道理？

why funeral also so stressful wan.... walao eh.

I freaking quit.

Feelings always leak out like gas that kills at the most significant moment.

Driving alone is a dangerous thing. It allows the blocked thoughts roam free and take over the conscious brain. Losing control and just be.

Never knew spreading religion can be like trying to sell a direct sales product.

Funeral is a good time to gather, reunite and catch up. And meet up relatives we never know existed.

I'm glad that the people in my generation are mostly open minded. We joked about things we're not supposed to, and had a good time.

Sometimes laughing and smiling can be a strong defence mechanism over something that we don't know how to handle.

It reminded me of how easily I get mad, get fed up and start cursing, and then forgive when you come and try to make up for that mistake.

It sucks to get used to having something so dearly and lose it, especially when you've been living together for more than half a decade. Life will never be the same again.

Masters

Masters masters. it seems like it's nothing much now. People with not so awesome academics or language ability even, are going for their masters degree, or coming back with a masters degree already. I mean, what is the world coming to?

I'm thinking about it. Not because I want to have that title, or I want to study. Because. I just wanna reach my end goal, and many means are not working well for me, I might as well try another route. =S

Thanks

Dear ST

thanks for joining us for music time the other day. you rarely do and it was really fun with you involved. =) Let's do it again some time soon.

princess

last week has been a 'i wanna change' week. want new shoes, new flip-flops, new hair cut, new wardrobe, new food containers, new this new that. i wanted a drastic change, and for a coward me, wanting to have a drastic change doesn't happen everyday. i didn't do though, went for a haircut and kept the same hair, except it's much thinner and short.

met 2 princesses. envy but not envious of their lives. i dunno. some times i envy people for their ability to get expensive clothes and go expensive travels. but when i think about it, i dont understand why they make conventional choices with their money. rich people always turn uncool. the two princesses were pretty, not the kind that i would want to be though. as much as i wanna be, i'm still a 'cool'er person than a princess. not even close to a prince, i'm just a cool lay man.

Attitude

If you wanna have an attitude, make sure you're smart at it. Can't believe how stupid people can be.

Not that I'm angry, I'm just a little offended. And not to mention curious at your stupidity.

Words

I know you don't mean it. But your words hurt me too much sometimes. Tho I wanna chose to believe that it's all for my own good.

KL

Some people run away and be glad that they're gone from hell. Some people run away and realize they've ran into the real hell.

5 years ago I was sick of this place, I wanted to run away from all the nasty people and be free from all the suffocation. For 1 good year I was happy and free, I lived like there's no worries, gotten so fat, and that might have been a good sign instead of something to worry about. Anyways.

The following 3 years were set after a foolish decision, it wasn't a favourite adventure, but it passed nonetheless. But it has made the city a dreaded place. I longed to run away from where I have ran away to. I guess that one decision which I regretted has changed what I think of this place ever since. If not of that decision, I wouldn't have wanted to stay back here, I might have wanted to remain in the city instead.

It's just so you

Just like I predicted, doesn't take a genius or a psychologist or even a psychology major to figure it out, you chickened out in silence and did not dare to address the matter personally, ran like a mummy's baby when it comes to money matters. I understand, I do, but sometimes I wish you can be more direct.

Society

It was a tight slap on the face when the lady on the other end lost her patience and just snapped at me saying, "都说是跳飞机了，你要做多久不是多久咯"

It's like saying, "welcome to the real world missy", and the bad guys talk as if they're doing charity. Wow, it was a short phone call yet a wake up call slapped hard on the face.

가끔은 이렇게 드라마 보고
연애 하고 싶어.
그런 숙상하고 달콤한 기분이 느끼고 싶어.

가끔은 더 큰 사랑땜에 조금만의 상초 받으면 괜찮은 것 같아.

깨똥

I know it's disrespect. But heck.

I look into the mirror. I hear my own voice. I hear your voice. I hear their voice.
I wonder if this is what you call bilingual? Or is it me who have set the standard so high?

Was that the point? Sent out the wrong message.
Rules and regulations. Lies and cheats and what not.
Is this the so called society? Hmm...