영기

그들 나온 소식 듣고서 기분이 나빠져다. 그들이랑 만나는걸 싫다니까.
도망가는 생각을 꼭 난다. 가라 여기 가만있어 또 뭐해?
마음 속에 너무 너무 미쳤어.
근데 저녁 먹을 때 난 영길 냈어
그 순간 부터 다 편하게 되였어.

내 조금만 영기를 나를 살려졌어.

Anthropology

This morning I woke up realizing
when I am here studying psychology
I was forced to do anthropology.

I did manage to learn the traditions and the way of life the subjects live, but I have failed and refused to pretend that I am one of them to get to know them more.

事件

人在异乡的他……在自己家人和朋友居住的城市里发生了事故。
阿麽问，“不打电话回去吗？”
他竟然冷冷地说：打什么？死就死去啦~
我怀疑，是不是他的defense mechanism 呢？

我看他翻阅报章。是否在看 有没有熟人在里头呢？
他会不会在想，如果他也在那里工作，这会不会降临在他身上呢……
他应该很焦虑吧……可是他看起来并没有。

안된다고 했잖아. 왜 계속 계속 물어?!
안!되! 이해 할 수 없어?!
아~~~ 자쯩나!

Flipping through the planner early in the morning

I realized it's coming, it's really coming. It's really coming. 18th, exactly 2 months from now, it's really going to come. Really.I'm not excited. But overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. This very complicated feeling. I oversee all the typing and exams, informing and packing, but see only the leaving. I fear. Is it really coming? The moment I've been waiting for such a long long time, is it really going to come? I feel so much like crying. I'm so confused, it feels so real yet somehow, just somehow I've been trapped in this circle and felt like I would never make it out alive or sane. Am I still sane? This very complicated mix of feelings in me. ...

No thanks

It's more than frustrating for me to doubt myself everyday, to blame and find fault in me. I don't need you to add on to that by making me doubt myself more for the things you do.

I really don't need you to confuse me for the things you do, also don't need you to come blame me for the things you do.

내가 없으면 그들이 더 행복할 수 있을 것 같아.

because i'm treated like crap

미쳐 죽겠다

애: (먹으면서) 매워. 국이 아주 매워.
어머니: 물 좀 마셔. 마시면 되지.
녀: 언니, 국이 매워요?
나: 아니. (계속 조용히 먹어)
녀: 매워 무슨. 언니도 안 매운다고 해.
어머니: 그게 달라지.
녀: 같은데. 애가 고추장을 안 넣고 언니도 안 넣잖아.
어머니: (짜증 내게) (니 언니) 몇 살이야? 무슨!

중점이 뭐야? 국이 아냐? 왜 나를 모욕해야 돼?
난 고추장 안 넣고 싶어서, 니들이랑 안 따라해서 그렇게 싫어? 안 따르면 안 돼? 다른 스타일으로 하면 왜 안 돼? 너 누구냐?

이렇게 아무것도 말할 수 없게 계속 조용히 먹는 내가 정말 싫어. 어떻게 그냥 모욕이 받았니? 너무 너무 싫어하지만 그냥 받았다. 원래 이렇게 만만하니?

맛있냐고 무슨 재료 모자라냐고 당신이 어떤 마음으로 무슨 듯이로 물었어 정말 궁금하고 무서워.

또 식사 때 식비를 얘기하는 거 되게 좋아하거든. 혹시 나한데서 돈이 받고 싶은 말이야? 그렇다면 직접 말해 줘 나 꼭 다 줘.
일등 음식도 아니지 왜 항상 식구한데서 식비를 주는 소리가 많아? 어머니 이잖아 왜 매일 매일 돈이 주라고 해?

Reason

I guess.

Instead of being sad over not being able to go,

I'm more disappointed over the fact that I'll still be here till the end.

미안한다

나는 잘 못 했죠?

난 잘 못 했으니까 미안해.

내 가슴이 너무 아파도

눈물을 흐려도

도망 가고 싶어도

아파 죽겠도

참았어. 내가 참았어.

참을 수 없을 때도 내가 다 참아 줬어.

보셨어요?

모르죠... 당신 모르죠.

미안하는 말 죄송하는 말

내가 다 했잖아.

잘 못한 사람은 나만이에요??

Copin'

At last I found an effective coping strategy.

I cannot change others, I cannot change me too much, I just prepare myself to what people will do. After all it is so predictable.

It doesn't matter what time it is. I knew it was coming. I told myself I'm going to accept the case and do it. And it came. I took it well because I have prepared myself for it.

I found out why

not only because of the very different beliefs and lifestyle

not only because I am an attitude problem myself

but also because you treat me like an outsider

Makes me cry over and over again for being here.

Yummmm

Today we made the 'bee hive' and 'yong tau fu'.

we means I helped out la k. =)

I had fun.

Just like when we did the kuih kapit, it really felt like CNY. And I felt belonged.

I live with This parent

the 13 year old daughter came and told the parent, "mum, i skipped breakfast and lunch today."

The mother replied, "Good, can be thin."

Yes, I live with this parent.

This time around the positive way

I waited anxiously for Joshua to come. This time along I did not think too much of it, of starting another semester again living there, the place i've learned to not love.

After all those hoo-has to Malacca, back home and to Taiwan and then back home again, to see HHin again, feelings his love to have him hug and kiss me endless times, it's time. Joshua finally came and we finally left the house.

The trip back was pleasant. I didn't fall asleep, for many things were running through my mind: mum telling me about my new year resoluation she made for me, HHin asking for me, how i'll go for korean food with Julianne, eating chicken rice at Jack's Gf's shop, how Jo laughed like a mad person, how Mum laughed like a ghost in the middle of the night, everything that happened in that short 3 weeks that felt like forever...

We had some short talks, Joshua, Hao and I. It was awkward at first but it went slightly more comfortable. Despite that I felt at ease, afterall I've known them since forever.

Coming back to KL just happened. Guess not thinking too much of it didn't build up too much negative thoughts before it even happened. I'm trying to change. I will cope positively, am doing so too.

Stop feeling Guilt

Whatever I do I feel guilty.

I don't offer to drive him when I actually can make some time to, guilty.

I offer to drive him around, guilty.

I eat out, guilty.

I eat at home, guilty.

I stay at home and study, guilty.

I go out to study, guilty.

I feel guilty either to myself or being a not-filial person.

I think I should stop, but how?

Japu shit

ok it's a random title. blah~

the girl has been interested in learning Japanese language for quite some years now but the mother never wanted to send her for classes uptil now she asked me where to get the language class. frankly i know that it's a trouble to fetch her in and out because of the crazy jams these days so i gave some thought to learn together so i can fetch her as well. but then i decided that it's not the wisest choice to maximize pleasure for me so i cancelled the stupid idea off.

that day when i told her where to get those classes i have no idea why i mentioned that idea. i regretted almost immediately and thank goodness heaven and earth that she misunderstood me and didn't get the idea. a huge *phew*

sometimes i don't understand myself.

Why you so inconsiderate one?!

For once I feel like studying hard, and I felt I should stay at home instead of running out all the time. I wanted to please you but no I think I'm wrong.

Dah-lah you don't encourage/foster reading at home, when people actually want to do it you do all kinds of funny things to stop people from reading, then you complain that people don't read. what kind of funny ass are you?!

I have one more paper and I really want to study hard for it but here you are being inconsiderate asking me to fetch your kids to tuition when you can do it yourself. I care not if you read it here I really am very dissasified and fed up and dunno what to say I feel like crying wtf.

I think I should stop pleasing you and do whatever I want. I'm now locked up in her room and I'm going to continue this to stay away from the TV and shoutings and babbling downstairs because I won't have peace today to study and I can't afford to slack cuz a few hours of my time will be spent out there fetching your kids.

Peaceful Sunday

Korean class I sat with MinKun & RyoHa, what a happy bunch of people. The only people who I can migle with. LOL I know I'm lame and anti social...

So today's class was so much fun.

Then I studied the entire afternoon. Ok not really entirely but I did study, a lil bit. So much for having a deal with Kath and all for finishing IO textbook before tomorrow, I'm doomed!
The fastest progress in the past month has only been almost 1 chapter per day.

I'm so doomed!

Meals wise, today's a weird weird day, like siao weird. With only uncle and the boy at home, lunch was not prepared, so I had some bread. No big deal.

But no dinner.... Uncle just told me that he's going out and when I go out I have to lock the doors. Which means, it's eating out and I'm not included? Ok, not that I mind but isn't it weird? 1st time in 3 years.......

I'm very confused. But still happy.

Happy happy day~