I'm done with the crap. I feel so sorry for being the front line person. I introduce parents to bring their children in, I do all the talking and delivering, now that I'm leaving, nothing is happening to keep it up.
Leaving when the school is a great mess is not helping the farewell. I'm done being angry for you not doing anything, I'm guessing maybe you're taking this chance to close the business down once and for all. This is after all a business to you. You don't care if the children learn or get quality childcare, all these are your marketing talk. You want the money not the work or the children nor deliver whatsoever education, You don't care if your teachers overwork. I love my children but I'm done spoiling you making use of my care. I want to tell the parents about how you want their money and don't want to spend on their children, but I can't. When the parents come for a try out I want to tell them to go to another school because our school is in a big problem and can't cater for her child but I can't. I should have just left instead of extending. I want to tell the teacher who came for a day and quit that he's a stupid person and an irresponsible loser. I want to tell the teachers to hang on and try their best. I'm sorry I have to leave now, but it's decided and it will be done. I'm trying my best to help but I'm not in the position to do much. I feel sorry but it's not my fault. I've voiced my dilemma out to a fellow colleague only to burden her more I am thankful yet sorry for that. Everyday I go to work feeling so stressed up and sorry and disappointed and with regret. I want to bring all my kids with me but I can't. I want to announce to the world that I'm leaving and so are some other teachers, and the school's in big trouble and they need to. HELP
Showing posts with label Panic Attack. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Panic Attack. Show all posts
迟
今天两个负责开门大吉的人都迟到了。不是一分钟，不是两分钟，而是足足20分钟。我出们载了孩子们回来的时候大门才刚刚开的，准时到而不被信任锁匙的老师的，与准时的孩子们一块儿等得快气死了。
其中一个负责人比我还要迟到，到了脸黑黑，还乱发脾气。迟到了还乱发脾气，我呸！迟到不是一两次了，不被开除就偷笑了，还要摆脸色。这里真得太没有道理和规则了。谁敢就称王，为所欲为，横行霸道。
我努力带着愉快的心情，不埋怨，尽量不受着负面影响。但是说真的，我受够了。你不想想你的表现会影响学校的形象也该想想你的表现直接显示你个人的人品。你们的态度，一起工作其实是很累人的，你知道吗……
其中一个负责人比我还要迟到，到了脸黑黑，还乱发脾气。迟到了还乱发脾气，我呸！迟到不是一两次了，不被开除就偷笑了，还要摆脸色。这里真得太没有道理和规则了。谁敢就称王，为所欲为，横行霸道。
我努力带着愉快的心情，不埋怨，尽量不受着负面影响。但是说真的，我受够了。你不想想你的表现会影响学校的形象也该想想你的表现直接显示你个人的人品。你们的态度，一起工作其实是很累人的，你知道吗……
Go bananas
Went crazy at work today. Gone bananas, literally jumping up and down and wiggling on the floor. It helped.
I was just feeling very sucky and fed up and angry with myself and the world. I'm trusted and given great responsibilities when I fear them and don't deliver them well. I think I have commitment issues, but I've told myself to go for it and give my best shot, and I shall do my best, and be satisfied with it.
I'll never be good enough in my own eyes and if I keep on holding myself back I'll never go anywhere. I'm saying YES YES YES, and I need to be stern on saying NO NO NO.
Today I said YES YES YES but failed to say NO NO NO to the most important decision. It sucked really bad but I am going to keep trying, and am glad that I am getting help and support now. *hoorah!*
I was just feeling very sucky and fed up and angry with myself and the world. I'm trusted and given great responsibilities when I fear them and don't deliver them well. I think I have commitment issues, but I've told myself to go for it and give my best shot, and I shall do my best, and be satisfied with it.
I'll never be good enough in my own eyes and if I keep on holding myself back I'll never go anywhere. I'm saying YES YES YES, and I need to be stern on saying NO NO NO.
Today I said YES YES YES but failed to say NO NO NO to the most important decision. It sucked really bad but I am going to keep trying, and am glad that I am getting help and support now. *hoorah!*
Seizure
It was a fine sunny afternoon, when a kid was seen shivering in his sleep.
The parent was contacted and would come in a while, which turned out to be slightly longer than awhile. The kid's fever shot up so high, the teachers' sponging couldn't help. He started throwing up and had a seizure.
Children were watching, the teachers tried their best to help. None of us knew what exactly to do, except to hold him and call the parent again. One teacher started praying, out loud, in tongue (Christian thing), and it shook me to the core.
I knew it is normal for children to experience seizure, I knew he would be fine, but the prayers, it shocked me so much I was emotionally unstable to lead the children to class. Tears were shaking out and I was trembling with fear when my 3 year olds sang their song gleefully oblivious of what was happening... I told myself it's all going to be fine, some cry some pray when they panic, it's normal. And a minute later I calmed down and managed class like how a teacher should be *thank goodness*
The parent was contacted and would come in a while, which turned out to be slightly longer than awhile. The kid's fever shot up so high, the teachers' sponging couldn't help. He started throwing up and had a seizure.
Children were watching, the teachers tried their best to help. None of us knew what exactly to do, except to hold him and call the parent again. One teacher started praying, out loud, in tongue (Christian thing), and it shook me to the core.
I knew it is normal for children to experience seizure, I knew he would be fine, but the prayers, it shocked me so much I was emotionally unstable to lead the children to class. Tears were shaking out and I was trembling with fear when my 3 year olds sang their song gleefully oblivious of what was happening... I told myself it's all going to be fine, some cry some pray when they panic, it's normal. And a minute later I calmed down and managed class like how a teacher should be *thank goodness*
-----
The boy's fine. Had dust allergy which led to middle ear infection that's why the fever shot up so high, and because we couldn't administer medication and the parent was running late, it couldn't be helped. But still it was a lesson for everyone. Especially learning from the doctor that we shouldn't put anything in the victim's mouth because s/he will not bite the tongue to death, instead stuffing spoon/cloth/toys/etc will suffocate.
-----
At the end of the day, I recollected what happened, and poked into the question of why I was so shaken by the prayer. After some thought I realized that in my culture, people pray when people pass away or are passing away. Unlike many Buddhist or Christians or whatever religious people's traditions, I don't pray. Except for that "Po pi peng an peng an gao tak chek" when I go to temples or on chengbeng, which I always remind myself to say it as sincere as I can without believing it will come true... I'm not a praying person. And the last time I prayed was when grandpa died, I prayed and chanted from my heart.
So on that day, when a fellow colleague panicked and started praying, because it's a religious thing for that colleague, who prays after every single thing I know, my brain connected the scene to "death" without my conscious effort and it linked to "loss" and "fear" and "sadness" all so quickly (OK, you kinda have to picture brain neurotransmitters and schemas connected to each other to understand this explanation fully)...
인생이 뭐있어
학생의 어마가 깝자기 심장은 아프고 쓰려졌다. 애도 갖고 있는데...
이제 점점 나아서 너무 다행이다. 애들 하루 만 하고 4살빡에 없는데, 많이 걱정하드라...
이제 점점 나아서 너무 다행이다. 애들 하루 만 하고 4살빡에 없는데, 많이 걱정하드라...
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Feet & Shoes
I used to wear sandals. Then the ex-ex pair was a casual material shoe. Then I started to wear slippers to work. It was the Japanese slippers, with the pinching thing between the toes. I've never worn these because they're never comfortable to my toes, until I found Fipper. It was so comfy.
Until I stretched it out while hiking to the camp site.
So it's so painful to the toes now, even when I drive without walking.
I reverted back to my old old sandals I bought about 6 years ago. It's too loose for comfort, but for now, it shall buy me a little time while I go hunt for a comfy shoes instead of letting my foot crack into half wearing that worn out Jap slippers.
So I went around hunting. For sandals. Hush Puppies, Scholl, Adidas, Nike, this and that, you name it; all expensive shoes and inexpensive shoes. Half of them has that toe-pinching thing, which goes straight out of the picture. The other half either are too manly (which faces mummy & sister objection), or too auntie. Tell me about it mate. I need some boyish cool not too girly comfortable walking shoes.
I found one the other day, it wasn't the most handsome pair, but it was so fitting tight and comfortable plus really cheap (RM65) but it has super long head. OMG. It was like an extra pocket/ forklift in front of my toes just in case I need to store/lift something. And I don't have short toes ok, made me wonder who buys that model of shoes. Maybe Ronald McDonald would.
Then I saw one from Hush Puppies, it looked ok and was comfy, but my leg (the part near the ankle) was too thin so it was really loose at that side OMG don't give up.
Today I braved myself to walk into Clarks and saw one really handsome piece, it was in the nicest shade of black. The price startled me (RM300!!) but I told myself to give it a try too. It was comfy, but the stupid ankle part was too loose. Again!!! I adjusted the 3 straps (1 front and 2 back) and it was still too loose. Oh my god what is this, even if it's RM10 also I can't get it because my freaking ankle is so small! OMG. What kind of curse is this... First sensitive emotional toe-in-between (whatever you call that) and now too-skinny-ankle-tops?
I need new feet.
영기
그들 나온 소식 듣고서 기분이 나빠져다. 그들이랑 만나는걸 싫다니까.
도망가는 생각을 꼭 난다. 가라 여기 가만있어 또 뭐해?
마음 속에 너무 너무 미쳤어.
근데 저녁 먹을 때 난 영길 냈어
그 순간 부터 다 편하게 되였어.
내 조금만 영기를 나를 살려졌어.
도망가는 생각을 꼭 난다. 가라 여기 가만있어 또 뭐해?
마음 속에 너무 너무 미쳤어.
근데 저녁 먹을 때 난 영길 냈어
그 순간 부터 다 편하게 되였어.
내 조금만 영기를 나를 살려졌어.
Trust
It's been a long time since I've given this a deep thought, this event taught me that humans aren't meant to be trusted. Period.
My fellow colleague assured me twice or thrice that she'll be here to close today as I will be sending a child back which distance is 45minutes to and fro. Today, right before I get off class, she left. Not leaving a word, or any message, she just left. We waited and called and waited and called. The kid was new tears again, and I was having a panic attack; as I just told the mum that we'll be on time today.
Ended up she texted back 1/2 hour after closing, which is useless like shit. I was so upset and fed up when I had to disappoint the child and the mum to send the kid back half an hour later. I have no problem with that, but it indirectly made me break my promise.
The hour and journey through I cursed and cursed and wanted to kill people. WTH. Anyways I found my little childish way to get back to her and is now tied. Crap humans.
Pain~
Just a moment ago I posted on FB: after 2 magic pills that worked miraculously (antibiotics), i feel perfectly fine. except that when I open my mouth to speak or sing, nothing much comes out... I love my monster voice. =D
Then my tonsils started to ache again. Argghhh! I want them numbed for goodness sake!
down
my laptop is fixed. the internet connection is always: "Connected to xxx, Signal: Excellent!" but there are no receiving bytes! Gosh I've been off internet with the stupid laptop for 3 days now.
Grrr. Perhaps it's time to send it to a real doctor instead of self- medicating... After all it's been sick and well again for several times over the 5 years it's been alive...
Grrr. Perhaps it's time to send it to a real doctor instead of self- medicating... After all it's been sick and well again for several times over the 5 years it's been alive...
People and Machines
It's a hard day at work trying to make the children practice and rehearse for tomorrow's big performance. After work I did some last minute touch up, printed and cut some pictures, wanted to laminate, but it BROKE DOWN. The laminator practically literally really melted and ate up the entire piece of A3 sheet! We took out the machine piece by piece and couldn't fix it.
Then I wanted to photocopy some of the phonics materials for Thursday. But the copy machine BROKE DOWN on me. Couldn't copy a shit.
Then I went back to my laptop to check on my downloading video for tomorrow's Mandarin presentation (read: Mandarin is totally not my department but I'm just trying to be helpful can die or not) when the screen appeared an anti-virus software, which I never had any in years! And apparently it's virus. Cuz I couldn't operate a thing in my laptop. So DOWN goes my stupid laptop, on the night before a huge event which I'm in charge of music effects.
Then I opted to go get the company's extra laptop which is covered in thick dust, but no password. Freaking password. Gosh I'm so cursed with machinery and electronics today. Can die or not. Just wanna rant. The end. Grrr. Hopefully it's a good excuse to be off-report for the next few days. kakaka!
Routine
Work is crazy chaotic. There is no logic schedule, but just rushing from here to there. I am not prepared, I don't think I prepare the children for a logic flow and what did we learn this week again? Somehow the week has zipped through with extreme workload which seemed unmanageable, changes and more changes that happens in the middle of chaos, I don't even know where we're heading. At the end of the day I'm just exhausted, and the next morning it's just the chaos again. It seemed like an endless cycle that is slowly driving me out of my mind.
Emocoaster
I know you're not in a good mood, but getting me to listen to you whine while the kids are there without a person overlooking, blaming people for what is not our fault, reprimanding me for confusing you when I try to help, what is this?
I've had a tiring day too. It's a hot and humid day and I have to stay outside and have the kids wipe paints on my clothing. I have to wash the kids hands risking more bubbles on my stupid-water-sensitive hand which are growing more bubbles by the day. I'm hungry but it's not the right time to eat yet. I'm busy overlooking the kids and their activities. I'm not in a great mood too.
I'm not the fault behind all these, so is not the others. It's not our fault that there is no one to clean, and it went under your division. Sort it out with the person-in-charge, don't come showering your unhappiness on me. Just because I'm nice and never said anything, it doesn't mean I can't be hurt and affected by your negativity. I'm trying very hard to stay positive, if you're not helping please go away.
I've had a tiring day too. It's a hot and humid day and I have to stay outside and have the kids wipe paints on my clothing. I have to wash the kids hands risking more bubbles on my stupid-water-sensitive hand which are growing more bubbles by the day. I'm hungry but it's not the right time to eat yet. I'm busy overlooking the kids and their activities. I'm not in a great mood too.
I'm not the fault behind all these, so is not the others. It's not our fault that there is no one to clean, and it went under your division. Sort it out with the person-in-charge, don't come showering your unhappiness on me. Just because I'm nice and never said anything, it doesn't mean I can't be hurt and affected by your negativity. I'm trying very hard to stay positive, if you're not helping please go away.
Crazy stress
Never thought I would ever go through such a frustratingly stressful workday. I guess this is work.
2 of the 4 teachers were on MC today. I was literally rushing from class to class teaching MANDARIN and Bahasa (the usual 1 class), which is so NOT MY LANGUAGE that I am hired to teach. Had a hurried lunch then go fetch a kid who was absent from school without notifying me (whose mother later called me to tell me he got admitted to the hospital- forgiven!)
Then quickly help the kids settle down to nap, then take care of the day care kids. I don't like day care ok, primary school kids are i-just-don't-like-'em, and I don't wanna teach mandarin or homework ok. Then music time was a chaos with the new toy in the school, I nearly broke down. Then I fetch the kid back for the first time, sent her in the house which had a dog sitting there unleashed. Came smelling me and then trying to lick my arm or something. I totally excused myself in the weirdest way ever despite the fact that it was my first time meeting the caregiver. Such embarrassing teacher to have. Oh me.
All these with flu and slight headache.
I can still function, but to focus 95% of the time for a super long period of time with the flu is killing me. I checked the mail and the boss was asking for things with close datelines which I know I can't hand in for sure. Gosh. Wanted to pull my hair and just quit for it was so stressful and totally not what I signed up for.
2 of the 4 teachers were on MC today. I was literally rushing from class to class teaching MANDARIN and Bahasa (the usual 1 class), which is so NOT MY LANGUAGE that I am hired to teach. Had a hurried lunch then go fetch a kid who was absent from school without notifying me (whose mother later called me to tell me he got admitted to the hospital- forgiven!)
Then quickly help the kids settle down to nap, then take care of the day care kids. I don't like day care ok, primary school kids are i-just-don't-like-'em, and I don't wanna teach mandarin or homework ok. Then music time was a chaos with the new toy in the school, I nearly broke down. Then I fetch the kid back for the first time, sent her in the house which had a dog sitting there unleashed. Came smelling me and then trying to lick my arm or something. I totally excused myself in the weirdest way ever despite the fact that it was my first time meeting the caregiver. Such embarrassing teacher to have. Oh me.
All these with flu and slight headache.
I can still function, but to focus 95% of the time for a super long period of time with the flu is killing me. I checked the mail and the boss was asking for things with close datelines which I know I can't hand in for sure. Gosh. Wanted to pull my hair and just quit for it was so stressful and totally not what I signed up for.
Pek Chek
Pek chek wanna die ok. So many things to do. The sick, the bully, the wet, the poop, the stinking toilet, the worksheets, the syllabus, the new people, art materials, this and that, all want me to do in one day. And here you come nagging me away on the tiniest thing possible on a day with high hormone and high stress and so little time. I hate last minute work ok, and my memory span of a gold fish is not helping at all. Kill the slow internet connection, kill the lagging computer, kill the annoying busybody, kill the surveillance, kill the hot weather, kill the stickiness, kill the hormones, kill the time limit, kill all the things that are against me and my happiness! Gosh! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Meanie
I'm a meanie. I look nice and friendly but I can be mean. In fact, I am mean.
I'm impatient. Make me wait and you're dead.
I have no heart for people who don't put in any effort to try, just don't bug me, go rot and die.
I can't stand stubborn people, even more when they're on the wrong side.
Apparently my style is different than many people. Starve, cane, threat etc are forbidden by the oh-suddenly-so-nice society, yes I agree they're wrong and socially undesirable, but damn those social rules.
I'm having heart attack. I'm on extreme rage and I'm trying really hard to push it all inside. I'm angry at the world, I'm angry at myself I'm killing me. I feel my happy healthy cells dying away thousands at a time. Suddenly the week seems so difficult to pass. Better legalize killing before I really kill. It's either I kill you or I become bipolar or psychotic.
I'm impatient. Make me wait and you're dead.
I have no heart for people who don't put in any effort to try, just don't bug me, go rot and die.
I can't stand stubborn people, even more when they're on the wrong side.
Apparently my style is different than many people. Starve, cane, threat etc are forbidden by the oh-suddenly-so-nice society, yes I agree they're wrong and socially undesirable, but damn those social rules.
I'm having heart attack. I'm on extreme rage and I'm trying really hard to push it all inside. I'm angry at the world, I'm angry at myself I'm killing me. I feel my happy healthy cells dying away thousands at a time. Suddenly the week seems so difficult to pass. Better legalize killing before I really kill. It's either I kill you or I become bipolar or psychotic.
New Stuff
(Took some photos, but lazy to get the cable to hook it up to the computer, so yeah...)
I collected my new specs last night. My camera memory cards arrived this morning. I spent a whole RM460 on those stuff while being unemployed and feeding off other people when we go for meals. It sucks being unemployed, it's worse than being a student because I know I'm purely sucking people's heard earned money while being unhelpful and worthless and unproductive. It makes my self-worth dive further down. Though I've been wanting them for a long time, I can't seem to be excited over their arrival, those brand new expensive goods that are now sitting on the table staring straight into my face and keep reminding me how useless I am.
I collected my new specs last night. My camera memory cards arrived this morning. I spent a whole RM460 on those stuff while being unemployed and feeding off other people when we go for meals. It sucks being unemployed, it's worse than being a student because I know I'm purely sucking people's heard earned money while being unhelpful and worthless and unproductive. It makes my self-worth dive further down. Though I've been wanting them for a long time, I can't seem to be excited over their arrival, those brand new expensive goods that are now sitting on the table staring straight into my face and keep reminding me how useless I am.
Just needed to get this out of my system
Finals + Internet + YFP
Just a very very bad combination. I've been soaking myself in high stress acidic environment since yesterday and it's been driving me NUTS!
It literally took MINUTES to load the mail page, and took another good round of MINUTES to load the inbox, then the message then the 'reply' button then sending it. Loading and sending a mail took hours! And then it takes HOURS to attach the file onto the mail. Then it decides to freaking stop loading. Followed by refreshing the page which means going through all the minutes again, then it said "Sending failed" OMG please kill me. All this, to send to the printer by today because rumour has it that he's going overseas tomorrow. Great. I know I'm just rubbishing here but thanks if you're still reading, no need to doubt your iQ because it shouldn't make much sense to you, or any at all.
My cog psych notes are just a baby stack, but cramped with font size 2.5 handwriting of mine.
I'm suffering from idiotic internet connection syndrome. ARGHGHGHGHHHHHH!
Just a very very bad combination. I've been soaking myself in high stress acidic environment since yesterday and it's been driving me NUTS!
It literally took MINUTES to load the mail page, and took another good round of MINUTES to load the inbox, then the message then the 'reply' button then sending it. Loading and sending a mail took hours! And then it takes HOURS to attach the file onto the mail. Then it decides to freaking stop loading. Followed by refreshing the page which means going through all the minutes again, then it said "Sending failed" OMG please kill me. All this, to send to the printer by today because rumour has it that he's going overseas tomorrow. Great. I know I'm just rubbishing here but thanks if you're still reading, no need to doubt your iQ because it shouldn't make much sense to you, or any at all.
My cog psych notes are just a baby stack, but cramped with font size 2.5 handwriting of mine.
I'm suffering from idiotic internet connection syndrome. ARGHGHGHGHHHHHH!
Wah so busy can die
This is a crazy week.
From wake up till sleep, I just have to keep on working on my assignments. Crazy busy until the end of the week.
Thought about saving the internet connection limits, but I don't even have time to hang about online! Let's just hope I can finish them on time ok.
From wake up till sleep, I just have to keep on working on my assignments. Crazy busy until the end of the week.
Thought about saving the internet connection limits, but I don't even have time to hang about online! Let's just hope I can finish them on time ok.
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