Friends

She has a guy best friend. The Guy got a Girlfriend who is jealous of their close relationship. Somehow it caused a misunderstanding.

She is all stirred up because of the issue. She is on the phone explaining and investigating who said what that caused all these mess. I asked myself if I would ever be so eager to explain myself to others, even when it comes to people I care so much.

I remember Her, from the Foundation years. I guessed I forgave but never forgot. I remembered that time when I was unhappy and blogged about her behaviors. She read through my blog and copied them down, and read them back to me as she questioned me about every single sentence that I wrote about her. She was too, very aggressive in explaining herself.

I sat there, holding back my tears as she put all the fault onto me. I didn't explain. I didn't say a thing. I just let her finish and I left. Just like how a small kid is sent to the headmasters office to get a lecture, no explanations, no talking back.

I didn't explain myself. I let her finish and left. I figured explaining myself to someone who is busy pointing her finger at me wasn't worth it. I know better that I do not deserve this nasty finger-pointing friendship that is not trusting.

I trusted her. So much. I cried for days, but that's what I did. I didn't go up to her and explain myself and try to make up for it. I guess maybe I didn't care so much for our friendship after all. Or was it me being silly, thinking that friends who don't trust are not worth it, not fighting back the misunderstandings and try to mend our friendship?

That wasn't the only time I felt betrayed and lied to. But I never bother to explain myself. I remember my counsellor who made me confront her in the empty chair. Even then I was so scared to confront an empty chair because confrontation was so overwhelming. Perhaps the counsellor was right for scolding me for being a coward and refusing to confront, even to an imaginary image of the person.

And when we meet again I try to convince myself that it was just a misunderstanding on my side and we can be friends again like nothing happened. But it never did become the same any more...

I envy her, for fighting for herself and the friendship she treasures. Because she trusts, whole heartedly, without holding back, even though it hurts.