Welcome 2019

Its August 2019, and here I am thinking I haven't blogged since college, but to my surprise my last post was actually in 2016. That was when I first started my own preschool. Which grew faster than I expected and we had to move out of the place as it was getting too crowded. Then the preschool grew into a preschool and a kindergarten. Business boomed, and so did I. =)

Junr July 2018 marked the first sign of burning out. I was feeling lethargic, questioning the meaning of life and my direction, eventually it led to me breaking down over nothingness one day, and I started losing sleep, feeling depressed and you name it.. It was like a full on depression I must say, during the day I'd turn off all feelings, from emotions to tastebuds to feelings of pain and hunger or thirst, I worked and functioned normally like a robot. When I close the car door or the room door, all the repressed feelings pours, my mind was probably blank but falling asleep and staying asleep was a difficult chore. Eventually I'd be tired enough to fall asleep, I told myself, no point forcing yourself to fall alseep, sleep just doesn't happen that way.

The few friends and collegues who were informed about it were supportive, but then things didn't really get any better. Just worse. I quit my evening jobs, and spent all evenings and weekends working somemore. Compensation, they say. I was working on overdraft mode. I was giving what I hadn't got. I started seeing a counsellor. it improved, somewhat. the essential oils, meditation, sports, supplements that didn't quite do their magic, I tried. I guess deep down I still wanted to be happy and live on. life wasn't as miserable as wanting to die and end it all, although many times I was there, behind my steering wheel. What happens when I just can't keep going anymore and just stop breathing from the lack of sleep, I always wondered.

After some drama at work, I quit it all and the management made a bigger drama out of it. For days and nights before and after my resignation I cried. Tears which were so scarce during the dark days seemed to made themselves out uninvited. I'd cry in a car ride, I'd cry in public for whatever silly reason. every single thing broke me. 

They say it's clinical depression, and implied that I was mentally unstable to work.  I very well know it wasn't, although it may seem like it, I do not blame them for misunderstanding. to my defense, I turn up at work and did my best, and I know, for the lack of emotions I made it up to the children with more attention and patience. When I see my children, I knew I didn't feel the love I had for them like I used to, and that's what made me call it quits. My children are my life and my source of energy. If I can't feel the joy and love being with them, if being with them sucks the life out of me, something was clearly wrong. I needed to do something about it. And so I did.

The guilt, the agony of abandoning was so great. But I also felt liberated, lightened and free. Till this day, exactly 4 months since my last day at the preschool, I am, still, hurting and healing and feeling happy at the same time.