Happy

Some weeks ago, on the phone with mum.
(note: she usually calls when I'm not feeling like talking, or in bad mood. conclusion: bad timing)
"Are you happy?" she asked.
I paused. "I will be."
Then she went on lecturing telling me stuff about being happy blah blah blah can't quite remember because I wasn't in the mood to listen to you buddha-ing me away.

At that moment I wondered why I didn't just say "no, i'm not happy."
I couldn't understand what's the fuss over me not being happy. At least I was being frank. Why can't she accept that I am not happy being here and all, and after all the years did she naively think I will become happy as time goes by? Or she never cared or understood my fuss. (OK mum please don't call and give me a lecture over this now. we shall now swear that we wouldn't bring this topic up forever and ever again because it is going to end. or else hell breaks lose. case closed!)

Then last Friday in class we did a small exercise. "Stand in your parents shoes, or think if you were to be a parent, and complete the three sentences below."
I'm happy being a parent when my child grows and learns happily.
The hardest thing about being a parent is finding the balance between guiding and letting go.
It upsets me most when my child is not happy.
I don't know if it was coincidental or it was bugging my subconscious, but it made me realize that if I were to be a parent and I can't do anything when my child is expressing unhappiness, what kind of parent am I? (OK I'm not judging you mum, just expressing my thoughts which are pretty irrelevant to your parenting so don't sweat about it) I don't expect my child to be intelligent or successful or the best or whatever not, I just want my child to be able to live happily. And that, my only hope, I can't even do that. What kind of parent am I? What have I done to my child?

That bothered me for the day. But I didn't decide that I should become happily ever after overnight. Maybe I shouldn't express my unhappiness to mum LOL. I just wanna say that I was just unhappy during that period. I'm generally pretty happy and oh well, happy. Sorta. Kinda. Ok let's just say I'm happy-lah k. It's not that I'm unhappy, I'm just unhappy about certain things. And you've raised me to become a happy person and I am, I am trying to be one. But to become a truly crazily happy person I just wanna go through this emo roller coaster right now. Don't you know it's the right of a teen youth to be emo?