being sick
Supper with grandma
Day 1
Gramma just arrived from JB 4 hours ago, as we had our last snack before bed, granmma asked the question she has always not forgotten to miss ever since my graduation. Do you have someone now?
Perhaps I'm disappointing. .. having nobody yet. I replied that I'm in no hurry.
What was find somebody nice and get married cuz you are the eldest grandchild, I don't know if I'll have the good fortune to attend your wedding, you must find somebody handsome and rich............ quickly escalate to getting married is better. When you get married and have kids you get happier, if you don't you shall feel lonely and get cranky cuz you won't own a car a house or have your own happy kids to see.
I was like, whoa, whoa.... hold on lady, is this a question or N order? one observing the conversation will realize how fast I started to gulp down my warm drink supposedly to calm me down for sleep, and then quickly shuffle to the bathroom to grab my toothbrush, and I even started brushing when grandma was still talking cuz she hasn't gotten the hint to stop.
I mean, I understand where grandma is coming from, I love her and respect her and all that, and do understand the importance of marriage and setting up my own family and all those, but yeah, like I said I'm in no hurry. Of course it will be great filial piety if I get married with grandma witnessing it and all, but hey it'll be morally wrong and indirect suicide if I get married jut for the sake of getting married before it's "too late".
I might get cranky and grumpy and unhappy when I age and have no family to play with when I hit middle age, but hey, that's not a compulsory state of mind of all single unmarried middle aged women ok. Urgh.
For a while there was panic
It started a few years ago, when the birthday month draws near, I start to panic, and feel really low and lost. I'm turning 27 in a month. But I don't know what I'm doing. I'm still doing nothing different than what I was doing 10 years ago. I don't know what I want, where I'm heading, what I'm achieving. And this year, the fear came suddenly and quickly, a big fat wham in the face, I'm turning 30 soon. Very soon. And look where I am. Lost.
I still earn peanuts while sacrificing my sanity and energy and time working my arse off for something that is not mine. Something that my employer doesn't even want to continue going on. I was so sure of what I was doing, until. Until that moment hit me. The school might close down by the end of the year. The children are not getting the bestest education that my little heart has secretly promised them. I am overwhelmed with all the workload and activities I've signed myself up with. I'm trying to live my life to the fullest and bestest, and it all seemed to go well until that moment slapped me in the face. It wasn't. At all.
Children's results are not as expected. My boss seems to be withdrawing from everything, trying not to commit to anything. Bank account running low, dangerously low. Insurance agent hushing me to upgrade my basic coverage. Everywhere yells for more effort more energy and more time. But I have none. No money, no extra energy, no more time.
I spent a day going cranky in school, threatening to snap at every little un-niceness the kids have done. And it felt terrible. The kids had this fear of the great monster in their eye when they looked at me. I gathered my teacher-power and had a little talk with them, about how I was feeling and how horrible it was for me to be grumpy at them. I was sorry.
All was in a crazy whirlwind when I started to reach out for help. I quickly texted my friends, a little groupie that I hardly meet but know I can always reach out for them no matter how far I am. I texted my brother, who is younger than me in age but gives the oldest advises ever, my oh-so-wise brother. Together everyone sent me texts which made me tear. I was that emotional, texts made me tear.
The next day at school I gathered my calm, and my kids came telling me the most beautiful things. Things I have missed out while trying to wipe the tables, sweep the floor, make sure everything was in perfect place. I gave them a hug each, and that was all I needed, sincere and kind hugs.
I wasn't instantly un-lost, but knowing that there are people out there having my back, and understanding my irrational fears, I felt much better.
Thank goodness for the kind hearts, thank goodness for all the beautiful people in my life.
如果
过去没有如果。
但是明天明年和未来都是充满如果，要是，假如。
闭上眼睛想象着无数可能，也许今天所作的一切会有回报，或许明天的改变会更进一步迈向未来。
什么是对什么是错，我并不知道。只要求此时此刻做得最好，尽力而为，对得起天地良心，便是正道。
怪我志气小，不求做大事，但我求的是一小步一小步，熏陶明日的人们，创造更美好的未来。
Life now
But I think I did. I feel different towards the job. Perhaps it's the break and recharge, perhaps it's a different attitude towards it now. I enjoy it as I go (read: more procrastination), I take things less seriously, I take the kids more seriously. I get upset over having less time with the kids as I get caught up with more preparation and cleaning up messes and toilet trips. But they still love me and I love'em as much so we try to make time for each other. LOL, so cheesy but yeah.
I'm thinking about doing more. Life here is always going to be different than in Korea or NZ. Life is is always going to be living in fear of being robbed, cheated and killed. It's going to be always so hot and humid and dusty and noisy. I'm still not used to family coming over everyday or two to chat and just be merry. And I actually grew up with all those people walking around and noise buzzing, I'm not used to it now. I miss the quiet evenings, undisrupted me-time. I miss walking on the road in peace, fiddling with my music whenever I have to, I miss cycling out just for some fresh air and stream water.
Day after day it's work and home, work and home, just to feed my car and the insurance company. Entering the hypermarket means heading towards bankruptcy. I can't believe how meaningless and penniless my life is now, I love my job and all, but being here it's not bringing me anywhere. And I'm only back on the job for 2 months.
I'm thinking about doing more. Extra, as in get in more cash, burn up more couch-time. Maybe it'll work, maybe it'll not. For I want to do more, get a better qualification and get myself outta this evil cycle. I don't know.
Life now, it's as usual. Lost, penniless, and yearning for more.
하루하루
직업인데 최고의 직업이다
웃으면서 즐겁게 하고
최선을 다해서
떠나야 할 때 좋았던 기억만 가져가고
이젠 할만 하니까 상관 없는일들 무시하고 참고 견들하고
어려운게 뭐 있어? 눈 감고 숨 쉬면 지나간다
"우정"
가끔은 니 생각 나
우연히 만나고 새로운 도전에 향해서 서로 기대하고 웃고 힘들었던 시간들 같이 보냈는데
별없는 돈 때문에 그 조금만의 돈 때문에 우리 우정라는 게 ... 그게도 우정이였어? 서로 이용해서 자기만 생각하면서 상대방에게서 원하는게 받기만 하고 하고...
마음이 아프다. 절친이 아니였더라도 아니였더라도 사람이 좀 인간적으로 행동하는데
실은 이렇게 되면 참 다행이네 너같은 놈진심을 그 조금만 돈으로 다 발겨되는게 참 싸더라.
그래도 인간에게 다시 실망했지
배신감
마음이 아프겠지. 아프다. 오랫전부터 아팠어.
묻지 않고 듣지 않고 보지 않고 생각하지 않으면 다 괜찮은 척 하는데
괜찮은 척 하는데
우리애비한테 너무 실망한다
너무 하신다 너무 하셨다
이런 말을 다시 듣고 싶지 않는다
다시 이 사람땜에 마음 아프게 되기 싫다
로빈
웃고 떠들고 느끼고 편안한 그런 사람 좋다
우리 식구들 가끔은 귀찮게 시끄럽지만 쿨한 나한테 로비이 차가운 서진이한테처럼 그렇게 따뜻 하고 중요한 성격이다. 로빈이 따뜻함을 있어서 내가 더 편해지고 웃기도 하고 아픔과 사랑을 느끼게 해 준다.
힘들 때
못난 내가 도망하기만 생각한다
거절이 무섭고 실패를 두렵고
언젠가 잘 돼냐
더이상 이렇지 말자
강해 강해 강하지고
용기 용기 내서 용감해지고
할 수 있다 할 수 있다면서
겁 없이 직진하자
마음 먹으면 할 수 있는 일이다
난 케이시니까