Khays' Saliva

I arrived at work feeling super slow and down. It wasn't the best day of my working life, nothing happened, yet the dark grey clouds whirling inside of me is not making a dull working session bearable. I sat there doing my mundane work, keying in data, compiling the documents, mindlessly going through the work which I have been doing for the last 3 months.

Then I felt it. I was going to cry, right there and then in the reception area, in front of the teachers and students who are just going through their one more day of life.

I don't get it. Why am I doing this to myself? I know it's the hormones coming up, but why am I doing this, something which I haven't found meaning to, yet keep striving to carry on just because the hours are great and it pays handsomely...

I think my parents are glad that I'm finally doing this, teaching music. When I was young and attended piano lessons, dad would wish that I can be a piano teacher when I grow up, which I insisted that I wouldn't. But now, where am I? Doing the very thing my dad has wished for and not happy.

Not doing well, at all. I'm slowly losing the passion to work. I drag my feet to classes, and as much as I try to come up with new things to play about in class, how am I supposed to teach the children the fun of piano when I don't enjoy it myself? It's killing me, it's killing the joy of my play-and-learn class too.

I used to plan and practise for my play-and-learn class weeks in advance, carrying out the games and activities in my hall with an empty audience, and of course disturbing my sister's afternoon nap, or the maid's TV session. Then I was having fun. Now I struggle to put myself to plan and practise even for that, what I enjoyed so much.

Weekends are bad, because most classes are on the weekends, and mostly are piano classes. Every weekend children come in to learn how to work the machine with black and white keys. The book/instruction manual will say crotchet C, and they have to press the button C for one count. Quaver D, means half the time of the one, and the next button after C.

It's boring, it's frustrating, it's meaningless,  it's not enjoyable, it's just working out a machine and try to make out a musical piece if you're lucky enough. This is not music as I define, it's memorization and regurgitation without understanding what's happening.

One girl who's barely 4 wanted to learn piano. Barely FOUR. Can't even speak well nor understand enough English to comprehend, need less to say, Italian terms would have to wait for another 3-4 years before they can be memorized. She's just learning to write, she can't control her own fingers well enough for fine motor activities, let alone hitting the piano machine. I looked at her sitting in my class and felt sinful. I know I'm killing the musicality in the girl. She's going to give up sooner than we can say 'piano'.

ShinShin said I'm lost. Yup, "lost" seems like an appropriate word. I can't bring myself to think that I'm doing it all just for the pay. I'm slowly losing it yet I feel that I need to carry on to save up enough for my upcoming trip.

Perhaps it's not for me after all, it's not working out, isn't it?