Bad

it's a 100 days since grandpa died. now this is the perfect to moment to sigh, "time flies huh?"

But frankly, being an unclose relative, nothing much has changed, really. Of course to the grandma and the aunts and my mum and all who cares it makes a big difference, but to me, I guess I just have one person less to meet up every now and then. I shall stop here before my family and other people who care come bash me up.

So in the morning there was some prayer and then lotsa food. Almost the entire family was gathered there for that. It was a simple yet grand ceremony. I was sent out to buy jackfruit when they ended the ceremony. By the time I went back with the jackfruit 'grandpa' got a new jar to hold his joss sticks. Who what why how I don't know. But yup, a new clean red jar.

Then I came to work. It was raining real bad. So I was late. Anyways. The work day was bad. Not because the people were bad, but I was feeling really bad from inside. I don't know if it's PMS or the 100th day thing or stress. PMS is taking a hell of a long time these days and it's frustrating to be cranky for 10 days in a month. 100th day my deep secret sadness that was suppressed? Or was it stress from work that I should have let go yesterday when I finished some documentations for the boss.

I popped when the boys went cuckoo in the phonics class. I know I am not their class teacher anymore and I play with them like less than an hour a week now since I my schedule is so packed now, and today's lesson is a little boring, but heck I expected some discipline. I totally snapped when the boy ran to the door slamming it hard and made the other boy pinched his finger in between the door gap.

Then immediately after that class when I want to take a cool another kid got pushed to the wall and broke his head. I broke down. I went into pause mode, until the principal demanded me that I carry on my next class. I conducted the class like a rusty robot.

Then I sent the kids home. I felt so bad inside, it was like stress+sadness+disappointment+so many negativity mixed together I felt like releasing it out but it was so full it couldn't open up. I felt things were falling apart, I was falling apart. It was that horrible horrible feeling and low self worth.

When I came back there was still one kid left in school. Poor kid who had to wait so long after school hours, and poor me who had to wait for him still. Then I had some food for dinner even though I wasn't in the mood of eating.

Then I boiled some water because the school was out of drinking water. Like 0. After that I started cleaning my room. It was seriously blanketed by dust and hair and everything dirty you can imagine. Took quite some time to reorganized the mess, and now I'm freshly bathed and sitting in a clean room it feels awesome, yet still so sad and disappointed with how life is going.