I have trust issues. Frankly I do not trust anyone enough. No one.
If you haven't noticed, I never really talk about things that bother me, but just facts and thoughts on other things that are pretty much irrelevant to me. Sometimes when I'm desperate (though that's not a very appropriate word to use here) I'll tell people about the rational that I've came up with from the issue.
For I know well, if I share my emotions, undesirable things will happen. Things that will show that I'm weak. Then I realized it's because I don't depend on others, for I feel leaning on others or asking for help is a sign of weakness. Guess the ego is too strong to accept that I'm a weakling.
As much as we are all social creatures, I find more comfort in confiding in myself than relying on others which may betray me anytime. Being self-reliant is the best, or so I thought. For developing too much self-reliance brings individualism, which distant the self from others. It's no longer being introverted, reserved or quiet anymore, it's being distant from people, anyone at all. Back to the humans being social creatures, human exists to help each other, and to receive help from each other, to reach equilibrium.
I would love to ask for help without feeling so much guilt or weak, and especially not feeling like I've owed the person so much. I would love to look people in the eye comfortably, without having to fear that they'll look through my thoughts. I'd like to tell someone how I really feel, without having to think so hard and then swallow back my words just to feel safe. I want to say "thank you" and "I love you" to everyone I appreciate, if only I don't perceive it as being weak.
I'd like to lean on someone for I am tired on standing by myself. I envy everyone who's in the crowd, comfortably leaning on each other, functioning well; while I stand up right by the circle of leaning people. Sometimes I feel I'm alienating myself, when what I want to do is going closer to the crowd.
I am like the word 'but'. Lost and confused. The word is for lost souls, like how people would say, "you hurt me so much, but I still like you", "The movie was great, but I just don't like it", contradicting every single thing that they say, just like slapping themselves for something they say, leaving people, especially the self confused and lost.
2 comments:
hug~
I think it's hard at first..but you don't have to lean on everyone.. You can just choose one person..someone you've known for years,someone you know for sure won't betray you. but of course, IF that person betrays you, it will hurt a million times more.. But really, what's weak about asking for help? I mean, we all need some sort of help at some point of our lives.. What's so weak about it? There will be some things you can't handle, or you don't know, it's just normal isn't it? What's so weak about asking someone? Just pick some people who have proven themselves to you, and maybe share SOME stuff and see how it goes..you know? You gotta try k..
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