If

If only 'if's can become true. ... then life can be corrected when time is turned back.

Yesterday and today has been down days which induced me with large volumes of guilt and self-doubt. I went to work on Monday with sore tonsils and went to the doc which told me I'm fine to work; but I didn't think of telling the doc I work with very young children all day long. I was physically energetic and fine, except for the hoarse voice so I continued to work.

I wanted to be helpful, because it's always chaotic and stressful when one person doesn't show up at work either due to illness or just taking a happy day off. I wanted to be helpful on the Monday which the principal is not around, I wanted to be helpful on the Tuesday the cook is absent due to sickness, I wanted to be helpful on the Wednesday the cook is going for a medical checkup. But all I did was not helpful, it's all somehow or other causing the children to fall sick.

I tell myself they get sick all the time, but now I can't pretend it's none of my fault when the children come in with a cough, or runny nose, or stays at home with a fever. The germ is spreading in the school quickly, and whether or not it started from me, I was made to believe that I'm the cause.

If only I'd stay at home for a few days, if only I'd take a medical leave and just let the remaining staff handle the children, if only I'd think less of myself and trust that the people can handle it like they always do... then no one would get sick. No children nor teacher will get sick because of me. ... No time to regret though. I'm sure the guilt would remind me to just stay put at home the next time a germ comes around.