Church

It's been a long time since I went to church, or thought of ever going again. Until last week I joined a friend's cell group, and yesterday joined the bro's youth fellowship. Both meetings were rather serious and deep (in terms of sharing), but I learned something from each meeting.

It got me thinking why I left and stopped. Perhaps it was due to the pressure to convert from the church-goers, perhaps it was because I didn't want to commit. Then I remembered, how heart broken people were when they fought over the religion during the funeral. Then I remembered, how I didn't like the Church goers condemning other religions and also people from other 'branches' of their own religion. Then I remembered the speaking in tongues, which the more I hear the faker it seemed. But then who am I to judge?

They told me to try to pray, challenge God to reveal himself and his power. I tried praying, in a rather un-believing self-talk kinda way. I prayed that my friend who went missing will be found, but not on the condition that I will believe, for I dare not commit. I prayed for those who asked for it. I said to God (if existent), that why do we need to pray aloud when you're all around and know what we're thinking? You can just give us what you plan to, why do we pray when you already know what we want, and already have a plan. Do you only give to people who asks for it aloud? Do you give to people who only asks for it, but not those who want but not ask for it? What's the point of asking if you already have plans? It's a rather oxymoron kinda behavior, at least in that moment it seemed so.

I don't know, perhaps I wasn't listening with an open mind. I listened and understood the logic and accepted the teaching, but still refused to believe. Perhaps I need to go a few more times to be brainwashed. But do I want to be brainwashed and believe? I used to know that I'm weak and whatever not and is too stubborn to ask for people' help even when I'm in need. He said to ask for help, for greater help for not everything we can do it on our own effort. It's true, I used to know that, but it's been a long time since I felt that way.

We'll see.