It's still there, laying in the midst of all the mess.
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18/10/10 11.30pm
I've recovered. I am not pain about it anymore. It's not a loss, mum's going to get me a new car I'm sure. I turned off my computer and went to sleep. Today has been a really crying day, in the counseling, for the car. My eyes are puffy and tired and uncomfortable. I'm just going to sleep and wake up from this bad dream.
But I couldn't fall asleep. After some time rolling about, tears started to come up. But it stopped like 30 seconds after and no matter how hard I made myself, I just couldn't cry anymore.
>>
I observed how quickly I pushed my emotions down. From outbreak of tears to sobbing, to controlling breathing and stop crying. I didn't even acknowledge the feeling but just tried to push it away as quick as possible. That is how I do it?
This morning i almost burst out crying when I was having breakfast. Grandma came talking to me about how dangerous Malaysia is and I swallowed the tears. I was just hoping really bad that her eyesight is not as good to see the tears in my eyes.
It happened again in the LRT, and a few more times in the bus. But I swallowed all of them back in.
I know what's going to happen from now on. I'm just going to tell myself that it's ok. I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to allow myself to cry in public, for it's a disgrace. I'm just going to push all the pain away and get it over.
But I know a part of me doesn't want me to do that. I'm going through this process of learning to accepting myself for who I am, to allow myself to feel and be ok with it. And now I see why I've been emotionally 'numb'. The counselor told me I'm not numb, for emotionally numb people don't cry, they simply don't feel. But I am. I'm just ignoring my feelings because I tell myself what other people tell me, that I should not be feeling that way.
1 comment:
Allow yourself to feel; and to be this and that...cheers^^
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