Running away

I held in my breath. Just like how it was to cross a jungle of plants, those people crowding over me to have a look at the video camera, was extremely terrifying. I knew it wasn't normal to feel that way, yet I still fear. What if they smell me, what if they hear me nervous, what if they can hear my thoughts. Please don't stand so near me, I was crying for help desperately inside.

Photos flashed back, of those I stood with the other people yet there was always a gap in between us. Not only mentally and emotionally I couldn't get close, physically I needed more personal space than an average person as well.

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I see myself hiding in a dark corner, wearing all black, holding my breath, even closing my eyes. Staying still as ever, trying to be as invisible as possible.

I stopped answering my phone. I hate ringing phones. I hate talking to people over the phone. I put it on silent mode, I put it far from me. Sometimes it passes out making things easier. It's not me who is avoiding, the phone is too far/ dead to be ringing.

I think my counselor did call me, or was it just some random caller both on Tuesdays during lecture time. Maybe I shouldn't hate him for not contacting me.

I stopped signing in messengers. I loath those who come and 'hi' me. I loath all the joyful messages they have by their names. Sometimes I appear offline, most of the times I just don't bother signinng in.

I check my mails more often than ever. Waiting for something to come in. Not knowing what that is I'm really waiting for, yet always disappointed. I reply mails selectively. Respond only when necessary.

I nolonger ask people if they need a ride. I go to school quietly, I leave quietly. Not making any contact with people, I just be. Even the music player is kept silent in order for me to hear more of my thoughts.

I am pushing people away. I look down when I walk, I pretend to look else where to avoid eye contact. I talk coldly if not being mean, I create blank conversations to hide my unwillingness to be there. I keep on babbling on and on and on to not let people know that I wasn't really there. I don't greet, I don't talk, I merely just exist.

I am blocking the world away. Pushing it way beyond any trials before. I no longer feel guilty to friends who try to come talk to me, those leaving in disappointment and awkwardness. I may be physically there, but I'm not. I appreciated people who never gave up on me, no matter how cold or weird I was. But this time around, I just wish I can go into that corner, dressed in black and hold my breath so people won't see me. Let me drown into my thoughts and maybe die.