Kr

Wanna go Korea. For a not too short stay. Holiday will be great, but high cost and short duration. Masters or studying would be better, but so much complication in the application. Gosh, I've grown so lazy to do anything since I started working... =S

dear Ben

it's been a long time.

i'm sorry i've forgotten how you looked like

but i remember the joy and wisdom that you have inspired us to have

Brother

So. The brother has gone to the states. All alone throughout the entire journey. But I guess he's doing just fine. I'm not worried, for I trust in him. I'm just a weeny bit concerned about what the world has to offer. But I know he'll do just fine.

-----

One random mindless comment I made, before he left. I 'whined' that it's great being the youngest because the youngest gets to go overseas. I didn't mean to say that, believe it or not, I don't think so anymore.

I used to be unhappy being the eldest because I wanted to study abroad but we just couldn't afford it, and I gave up trying to look for scholarships and loans. Now I still think studying abroad would be a better offer, but I am cool about my qualification and college life now. I guess I have aged, and accepted the fact that my life is awesome enough. Plus I wouldn't want to even imagine people's mouth and silly ideas of how a college graduate can work in a preschool, which is supposed to be a lowly and sadly paid job.

But I'm happy about it. It might be the best job in the world. All the best brother, I'm glad you get to go abroad because it's an awesome experience.

Wrong person

You know that situation, which you ask someone for an opinion, then when you get the answer you realize that you've asked the wrong person about that matter because your worldviews are so much different and you start to wonder how you can be friends/ close to each other...

Pass out

Passed out in the cemetery the other day, due to the menses. Felt uncomfortable all morning, and after the funeral I just felt the weak feeling that is so familiar from years ago. Started seeing white spots, and cold sweat coming out on the hot hot day, I knew better that I should call out for help. My sister helped me and others keep thinking I'm having a bad cramp, while the others who don't know it's period thought it's the sun killing me WTH. After a short walk I just couldn't walk anymore so I 'fell' kneeling on the floor. Mum helped me up to the bus and I curled and wiggled on the frontest seat with my uncle holding grandpa's framed picture. Couldn't even gather the energy to ask him to give me more space to curl up to fall asleep.

It's not the first time, but it's been a couple of years since the last. Used to feel the nausea and weakness every month when I first started my period, but it never came back after it stopped, until 2 years ago. But that was once.

They say it's due to the hot sun, some say because I hadn't have enough sleep. Most probably got nothing to do with the hot sun though, cuz I've been feeling unwell all morning before that.

I took a short nap on the way back home and felt all fine. All I need is a place to curl up and go to sleep.

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Checked with Dr Google, and it turned out most probably to be anemia. Somehow, it's common among young women during menses. Sometimes it's iron defeciency, or many other possible reasons. So I guess I don't have much to worry about. =)

Sleep deprived

I dare not claim that I'm sleep deprived in front of the family, because at least I have more than 5 hours of sleep daily throughout the funeral. But the difference is that I'm a sleep person. If I don't have enough sleep I go cuckoo. First day is still fine, at most is shorter tantrums and hyperactive brain and mouth. Second day is bearable, third day is saddening, fourth day is zombie, fifth day is steam steam, sixth day I have difficulty falling asleep and staying in deep sleep. So. I'm not sleep deprived, but I am. It's sad. But I'm doing just fine.

iPhone

to buy or not to buy.

Now my 5+ year old phone's battery is lasting less than 24 hours. It's been a good phone, and to betray it at its death bed is just saddening.

iphone is great, apps are great, games are great, but the price is so not great. I can imagine the many things I can do with that amount of money. It is a big chunk of my hard earned savings over the year I've worked, and it's going to take a big bite at my Korea trip's cost. Sing goodbye to Korea, sing goodbye to Korea, sing goodbye to Korea, goodbye goodbye goodbye. =( or I can choose to sing goodbye to iPhone... OMG this is so difficult. Greed and more greed. Grr

Little thoughts

为什么你天天念佛拜佛吃素这个那个还没有把你的虚荣心去除掉

没有脑，为什么不会明白这些用屁股想也想得出的道理？

why funeral also so stressful wan.... walao eh.

I freaking quit.

Feelings always leak out like gas that kills at the most significant moment.

Driving alone is a dangerous thing. It allows the blocked thoughts roam free and take over the conscious brain. Losing control and just be.

Never knew spreading religion can be like trying to sell a direct sales product.

Funeral is a good time to gather, reunite and catch up. And meet up relatives we never know existed.

I'm glad that the people in my generation are mostly open minded. We joked about things we're not supposed to, and had a good time.

Sometimes laughing and smiling can be a strong defence mechanism over something that we don't know how to handle.

It reminded me of how easily I get mad, get fed up and start cursing, and then forgive when you come and try to make up for that mistake.

It sucks to get used to having something so dearly and lose it, especially when you've been living together for more than half a decade. Life will never be the same again.

Grandad

So ah-kong passed away. Though it's like oh-so-finally, it did come somewhat suddenly. There were 'signs' of him going, like how he was not eating for a few days, suddenly talking a lot and smiling from ear to ear, trying to get off the bed, etc, but he never really did die after the many 'signs' across the weeks.

But he did pass away, last Wednesday. A grand but simple funeral was held in his house. All of his children and grandchildren were there, except for the 2 Americans. It was good timing though, for his daughter just flew back from the states, and his 2 granddaughters are on winter/summer break from the states/ aussie, and my brother has not left to the states yet.

Many things happened and did not happen. Uncle (1st child) wanted the Buddhism ceremony while grandpa actually wanted the traditional Taoist way. In the end we had both, which was really confusing and tight-schedule. We were chanting Buddhism prayers and folding the Taoist joss papers all day long. There were some superstitious rules, which we all secretly disobeyed, like not crying, speaking softly and not laughing, not washing the hair with shampoo, not leaving the funeral place until the last day, this and that.

There were some friction between one party and another, but all ended well. Many people came, from grandpa's children and grandchildren, to his brothers and sisters and their children, to his wife's family and children and grandchildren. It was a very touching scene that people who we've never seen before who are distant distant relatives taking the time off to come to join the many days ceremony.

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We were told not to cry. I suppose the Chinese believe that the soul is still lingering around its body after death, and if the family cries the 'person' would be sad to leave to would just 'fly' into some random living creature it sees, be it rat or cockroach etc, which is not good.

So we were told not to cry. We tried not to. I didn't. I mean, we were all prepared for it for weeks when grandpa became very weak and turned immobile.

I heard, that when grandpa's sister first came she cried. She went to weep in the kitchen, when my uncle told her not to cry. That's when she said the coolest thing ever. She asked my uncle if it's possible not to cry over the death of her brother. She asked if it's something she can control and stop.

It's like "wham", damn you stupid rules and superstitious illogical thinking. She's my greataunt who is rather aged, but she is so freaking right! I don't understand the 'younger' people who insisted on some stupid mindless 'traditions' that made everyone even more uncomfortable.

不好意思 纯粹有感而发

你这个烂人！没有好的榜样也就算了，这是搞什么东西？这么贪新忘旧，浪费食物，啰里啰唆，顶你个肺，烂人烂人，上梁不正，异想天开，一二三四，什么东西，懒懒懒懒，烂烂烂烂， ……

休想我见你着烂人的屎来吃。你这个烂人！自从上一次磨擦之后我就看清看透你的烂本性！我忍着气你就以为我好欺负！ 你少惹我，我也是有脾气的！一次生两次熟， 这次我看透也看够你的坏习惯和坏性格了！你这个屁股人，看我怎么收拾你！屁股你呀！